Heartfelt
by The Blue Raven
Summary: With a helping hand from Cole, Mel comes to grips with the events of ‘In Sheep’s Clothing’. Adultoriented fic dealing with both sexuality and emotional problems stemming from physical abuse and attempted sexual abuse
1. Chapter 1

**Heartfelt**

**Summary:** With a helping hand from Cole, Mel comes to grips with the events of 'In Sheep's Clothing'.

**Rating: **R

**Disclaimer: **I don't own them but, hey, just as soon as that deal with Zin goes through...

**Timeline:** Post "Remember When": after my fics "Morning After", "Training Day", "In Sheep's Clothing", "Dancing With the Devil", and "Never a Dull Moment"

**Author's Note:** Adult-oriented fic, obviously. This one deals not only with sex but with the ramifications of the assault and attempted rape against Mel in the fic 'In Sheep's Clothing' and so is more "adult" than most. Yes, Virginia, there _is_ such a thing as serious smutfic. If you're looking for the _non_-serious variety, we highly suggest any of the works of the irrepressible Fluffy Cat.

**Author's Note 2:** Mel's bout of meningitis last year is taken from my fic "This Mortal Coil"

**Spoilers: **For my fic "In Sheep's Clothing" (where Mel is abducted and her assailant attempts to rape her) but none for actual eps. The character Kallissa is my own, first mentioned (I believe) in my fic "Morning After" and introduced in "Never a Dull Moment" (she was a Tracker and Cole's partner and is now a psychologist, among other things), but you don't have to read either to follow this one.

**Feedback:** Better than Fek-Maln and, good, bad, or ugly, always much appreciated.

**Chapter 1**

Kallissa uncapped her pen and started writing, filling out her paperwork. A scanner would eventually render it into a format acceptable to her superiors and their computer systems. The _scritch_ of pen on paper was faintly satisfying in a way that the light tapping of keys and soft hum of a computer never was. Cole had been right about that much. The human body, no matter how one tried to fight its effects, _did_ change a person's perception. _And_ their behavior. Sensory input suddenly became very important, from the gentlest and most tender touch to the innocuous hum of the air purification system.

It was no longer any wonder to her that Cole reveled in the touch of his lover every bit as much as much as he reveled in her affection. Of course, her every Cirronian instinct told her that Cole was no longer deriving _that_ particular joy from life as a human. It saddened her to think that Cole's Melah en'i might be in so much pain that such matters were abhorrent to her.

She looked up at the tentative tapping on the door, startled to find one of the objects of her reflections outside.

"Enter," she called, keying the lock to allow access to her office. She rose and approached the door. "Melah en'i. Come in, please. Be comfortable," she added when it was obvious that there was nothing comfortable _about _the woman. "How may I help you?"

"Uh, you said we could talk. Uh... in your capacity as a, uh... a... a _counselor_," Mel answered softly.

Kallissa nodded readily and keyed the lock again, putting away her paperwork. "Of course. Please, have a seat."

Mel nodded weakly and dropped onto the chair Kallissa indicated, shifting uneasily.

"Cole is not yet returned?" Kallissa asked, sitting opposite her.

"No." She shook her head, twiddling her thumbs and nervously shuffling her fingers. "I... I wanted to do this while he was gone."

Kallissa nodded faintly. "Some matters are best considered when one's mate is absent," she agreed.

"How did you do it?" Mel asked immediately. "After you caught Khaeto? How did you get back to your old life so easily?"

The Cirronian's answering smile was wry. "My old life? How could I _mate_, you mean? In truth, I conceived primarily to preserve my own sanity. I... had to force myself to remember how beautiful a joining could be."

"I tried that. It didn't work..." Mel muttered bitterly.

Kallissa raised an eyebrow. "You have attempted to be intimate with Cole? Without success?"

She nodded weakly. "I... It was... I had an anxiety attack the minute he... God, this is... I can't believe I'm..."

"Be calm," Kallissa repeated mildly, leaning forward and caressing Mel's throat soothingly. "There can be no wonder that some part of you is frightened. This in no way represents a lack of progress on your part. That you even _made_ the attempt speaks to your will to recover."

"That would be a lot more comforting if you could tell me what I did _wrong_..."

"You went too fast."

"It's been _months_!" Mel protested, shaking her head. "How long am I supposed to wait?"

More important in her mind, though, was the question of how long _Cole_ was supposed to wait. She felt horrible for putting him into this situation. His body had needs, needs that _she_ had introduced to him, and now she was holding out on him...

"You must wait... as long as you must wait. A different way must be found. You must once again learn the pleasure to be had from the attentions of your lover."

"_How?_"

"Let him touch you."

"I do!" she protested. "I _did_. You can't imagine what--"

"Let him touch you in a more sexualized context."

"I _tried_ that!" Mel protested, near tears.

She was embarrassed to be here in the first place, guilty over holding out on Cole, infuriated with herself, and frustrated that Kallissa did not seem to get it. After all, she was a _Cirronian_. Cirronians just _knew_ things...

Kallissa shook her head, lightly covering Mel's hand with one of her own before speaking. "I am _not_ talking about the act of intercourse right away. Another attempt like that could run the risk of setting your progress back substantially. However, a certain degree of physical contact, _not_ followed up by sex, could be beneficial in helping to prepare you for an eventual return to your previous level of intimacy."

"Foreplay without sex?" Mel asked, frowning uncertainly. Could that possibly _work_? And how would a Cirronian _know_ if it would or not?

Kallissa nodded. "In the treatment of phobias, systematic desensitization _is _the preferred treatment."

She snorted. "This isn't exactly your average phobia."

"I would have to say that it _does_ bear several similarities to more traditionally-encountered phobias. It was triggered by a _very _traumatic incident. It is a strong aversion, accompanied by anxiety when the matter is so much as considered. Actually attempting to put yourself into the situation of which you are fearful triggers such extreme anxiety attacks that you become even more reluctant to attempt to do so in the future. And the longer you wait, the more you avoid, the harder going back will become. But if you ease into it slowly, the fear may well be overcome."

"I guess when you put it like _that_..." Mel murmured.

Kallissa nodded. "Cole is a very... controlled individual. He can be trusted to restrain himself with you in this."

"You're right about that," Mel agreed. "He stopped right away the other night when I started to panic."

She nodded again. "Let him touch you," she repeated. "Gently, Melah en'i. Sensually. Let him remind your body and your heart of what your mind has forgotten."

Mel nodded slowly. "I guess it can't hurt to try."

"Also there is something else I would recommend. It is not a Cirronian practice, but it is common on several planets."

"What?"

"Let him bathe you."

"_What_?" Mel asked, blinking. "You want me to let him give me a _bath_?"

Kallissa nodded, smiling faintly at the woman's incredulous reaction. Just when she started to think that they were not so different after all. Somehow, she suspected that Mel often found herself thinking the same thing.

"A ceremonial bath to symbolically wash away the pain and degradation which have been inflicted on you."

Mel frowned faintly, dubious. "Do you think it'd help?"

Kallissa shrugged. "If nothing else, it will give you one more opportunity to enjoy his touch," she pointed out, looking up as her intercom beeped. "Do you mind?" she asked.

"No. Go ahead," Mel said.

Kallissa smiled and rose. "Proceed, Bendal."

"Our conquering hero has returned and made his report. And _now_ he is looking for his lovely wife."

Mel flushed and bowed her head.

"Miss Porter is with me, Bendal, which I am _sure_ you already knew. Kindly send her husband to my office."

Mel sighed softly as Kallissa unlocked the door.

"Would you prefer if _I_ acquainted him with the key points of our discussion?" she offered, sensing the younger woman's anxiety.

"I'd appreciate it, yeah." Mel nodded faintly.

Kallissa gave her a reassuring smile. "You are a lucky woman to have won his heart," she told Mel. "Never forget that you have gained what dozens of Cirronian females, myself included, have sought without success."

Mel was stammering a response to that quiet comment when Cole entered the office. He smiled warmly at each in turn, greeting Kallissa before sitting down next to Mel and giving her a kiss on the cheek, very tender but not even slightly passionate.

"My dear Cole, Mel and I have been talking," Kallissa informed him.

(SCENE BREAK)

"Undress and immerse yourself," Cole directed gently, smiling and squeezing her shoulder. "I will return shortly."

Mel nodded and watched him leave before tentatively stripping. It was foolish to be shy in Cole's presence. The man had seen her naked on too many occasions to count, had made love to her in ways that no other man ever had. Yet, since Khaeto's attempt, there was still sometimes something about the idea of being naked for _any_ man, especially in a context even _slightly _sexualized. And this definitely qualified as one of those even before you factored in the fact that they had first learned that Cole was even _capable_ of a physical response in this very bathroom, in the tub he wanted her in.

Shaking her head, she finished shucking her clothes and slid into the invitingly warm water. At least _that_ she could accept, that warmth so sensual to any Cirronian. Whether her mind was fearful or not, her body was more than willing to accept that warmth as it engulfed her, soothing and erotic at once.

When Cole returned to the bathroom, it was with a handful of bottles. She recognized among them her favored brands of shampoo and body-soap. She watched uncertainly as he set the bottles on the tray attached to the lip of the tub and began to strip himself. To her relief, _and_ partial disappointment, he stopped at a pair of trunks and slid into the large tub behind her. She hated herself for that ambivalence, but was powerless to fight it. As much as she knew on a practical level that Cole would never do anything to hurt her, she could not shake her fright at the idea of making love again. By extension, his very _touch_ was something to fear.

The Cirronian could sense her uncertainty and knew that he would have to proceed carefully if he was to keep it from destroying her enjoyment of this bath. He hesitated, considering how, and _where_, to start. After a moment, it came to him. Shortly after she had gotten out of the hospital last year, after she had recovered from meningitis, she had been so weak that she had not even been able to bathe herself. Nervous though she had been, she had allowed him to help her, not just once, but for weeks on end. And she _had_ been nervous at first, in spite of the fact that she trusted him. He had started cautiously then, gently and judiciously, and her fear had been washed away in an instant by his touch.

"Just relax," he murmured, carefully wetting her hair. "You don't have to be scared."

She knew he had started with her hair on purpose, to remind her of last year, of the tender care he had taken of her without expecting a thing in return, of the care they had _always_ taken of each other, even in the beginning. She had washed him and he had washed her, gently and without expectation. He had never expected a thing in return, exactly as she never had. It was tender, devout. Sensual. It felt good, to have strong fingers tenderly massage the cleanser into her hair before rinsing it away, spending as much time on the one task as the other. The feel of his fingertips against her scalp made it impossible to deny the feelings he was capable of evoking in her, his version of foreplay, perhaps, or just a reminder that there had been tender touches long before there had been passionate ones.

Cole smiled faintly as his attentions to her scalp earned an approving purr from his love. If nothing else was true, she _did_ enjoy being cared for, being _touched_, especially as an equal partner. Washing her hair only served to reinforce the bond between them, a reminder of the things they had required of each other in the past. It was a safe yet sensual way to start, all he could desire. He continued those attentions long after her hair was clean, reveling as she did in the simple contact, physicality without expectation. He found that lack of expectation oddly pleasurable in its own right. An intimacy of the heart rather than the flesh, it was faintly evocative of the first stages of Joining. More might come, but it would be later, and it was _not_ the reason behind these caresses...

Tonight would not be the night that Mel overcame her aversion to physical contact, but it was a promising start all the same.

Mel leaned into his chest, sighing as he slid his hands from her head down to the back of her neck, massaging her shoulders as he smoothed soap onto her sensitive flesh. He started crooning softly and Mel closed her eyes relaxing under his care. It was hard not to enjoy his touch under such circumstances, hard to be afraid of what was coming, if only because she knew that nothing _was_ coming. That hardly mattered, though.

She had almost forgotten how pleasant, how _sensual_, a man's touch could be, the pleasure and contentedness it could summon up. And especially how pleasant and sensual **_this_** man's touch could be. Part of her wondered if he was not helping that along with a measure of Cirronian energy. Not that _that_ mattered, either, not when she knew that no matter how much she enjoyed it he would never take advantage. _That _was comforting in and of itself. The part of her that remembered Khaeto, that recalled _his_ touch, was grateful that nothing would come of this encounter.

Cole gently pushed her forward and turned his attention to her back, smiling as she purred softly in response to his touch. He had other plans for her tonight, plans he had not shared with her yet, but her reactions thus far told him she would not object to them. Shaking his head and smiling, he continued his gentle ablutions, moving his hands from her back to her shoulders and then slowly down her chest, smiling at her low moan and reveling in the opportunity to once more touch her so freely and completely.

He did not spend as much time on those marvelously sensitive breasts as he might have liked to, not wanting to unsettle her with too-sexual stimulation, but he enjoyed the few moments of time he _did_ have there. He especially enjoyed her responses: the quiet moans and breathy little sighs, the way she leaned back into his chest, closing her eyes, her expression one of absolute trust. Smiling warmly down at her, he slid his hands lower still, to her stomach, spending more time there, enjoying the way she felt under his hands, that seemingly paradoxical combination of firm and soft, like Mel herself.

Not that he ever felt anything but pleasure while touching Mel in _any_ location. Context was less important than what he felt when his skin touched her. Touching Mel's body was like caressing her soul, his mind taking in every nuance of her heart as his sensitive fingertips took in those of her flesh. She had to be in very extreme distress for him not to enjoy touching her at least a little. And tonight, there was nothing of distress about her.

He completely skirted around what he continued to think of as her 'primary signature' in spite of the numerous human slang terms for the area. Not one of the terms seemed appropriately reverential when referring to an area capable of exciting such pleasure in both self _and_ in a partner.

Shaking his head, he gently tugged Mel to her feet and pulled the plug before pouring more soap into his hand. Putting the bottle down, he rubbed his hands together a few times before turning his attention to Mel, who was standing there watching him with a shy expression.

"You like this?" he asked even though he knew the answer.

Even without his hands on her, she was clearly telegraphing her enjoyment of the experience, body _and_ soul. Her soul spoke to contentment and happiness first, with physical pleasure a secondary consideration, as if she was just happy that things were returning to normal. He could hardly blame her for being pleased with that, not when he himself felt the same way. Feeling his Mel happy again made _him_ happy as well. And, exactly as she was enjoying the encounter physically, he enjoyed the familiar tension building inside. Well, _mostly_ inside, but since Mel was too busy looking at her own feet to look at any part of his body, that hardly mattered.

"I like this a lot, Cole," she answered, smiling up at him. "Better than our morning showers."

Cole smiled in return, enchanted. Her expression was shy, her cheeks flushed, and she was having a hard time looking him in the eye for any length of time. And, of course, mention of their shared morning showers left him feeling warm inside. Very little happened during those showers any more except for hugs and the very rare caress but they _were_ enjoyable simply because they afforded the two a chance to be close to each other, physically as well as emotionally, but they remained a pleasure.

"I'm glad you're enjoying yourself, Mel," he whispered, lifting his soapy hands to her shoulders. "Do you remember when you were teaching me to do this for myself?" he asked, running his hands up and down her back.

Mel colored and bowed her head, nodding.

"It's okay, Mel," he assured her. "It is as Kallissa said. I am _only_ trying to wash away your pain."

"I know," she murmured, inhaling deeply. His hands really did feel wonderful, especially as they slid downwards, from her back to her legs and thighs. She bit her lower lip against the surge of sensation _that_ triggered, a smoldering heat low in her stomach and a wonderful tightness just a little lower still. It felt so good, especially after _months_ of not feeling anything even remotely similar. "You're a good man, Cole."

"I try to be," he answered simply, stepping around her and dropping to his knees. "You deserve nothing less," he pointed out, starting at her ankles this time and working upwards.

He skipped from her legs to her stomach again, smiling reassuringly up at Mel as he worked. He spent more time on her breasts this time than he had the first time, but still not nearly as much as he would have liked. In spite of that, though, he was not displeased with her response.

Mel closed her eyes as his hands trekked to her breasts again. The first time his fingertips had brushed the sensitive tissue of her nipples, she nearly panicked. She had managed to stifle that response by reminding herself that this was _Cole_. She had managed to stifle anxiety, but pleasure refused to put in an appearance in spite of the fact that she knew that his actions _should_ have evoked such a response. Peripherally aware that his caresses were causing a very powerful physical reaction, she had not been able to make the link from that to actually _experiencing _it herself.

She almost sighed in relief as Cole's fingers gently skirted across her nipples and her knees buckled. Giving an embarrassed little laugh at that reaction, she gratefully accepted the support Cole offered, clinging to his arms for several seconds before righting herself completely.

"You _are_ enjoying yourself," Cole observed, retrieving the shower-spray. "I want you to close your eyes now, Mel, so you don't get water in them."

She nodded and did as directed, trusting to him. The warm water felt wonderful, sheeting down from above before flowing down her body, practically caressing it as Cole had been a moment ago. Her eyes popped open as Cole started speaking in quiet Cirronian.

"Ethlan nej'da e a'a tella nurat. Ah ette. Terri Hwa e a'a tellya gwa'an, tra'alla. Ah ette. Ja'a Hwa e a'a hwa'aya. Ah ette. Enicé hwa'ani e a'a Hwa me'a se hwa'ian e a'a Hwa. Ah ette," he intoned, finishing the chant as he finished rinsing her off.

Mel was not sure what the words meant, and less sure she _wanted_ to. Could they possibly be as beautiful in English? Just hearing them had left her feeling calmer than she had since Khaeto. She smiled adoringly up at him, reaching up and gently caressing his throat.

"That was beautiful."

He smiled widely. "Thank you, Mel. I have been thinking about the words I should speak all day."

"You... composed that yourself?" she asked, smiling incredulously at him.

"I did, Mel. Would you like me to translate it for you?"

"No." She shook her head. "It was so beautiful just the way it was."

"I am glad you approve," he told her, picking up a large, fluffy towel and carefully drying her.

Mel sighed softly as he tenderly toweled her off and then lifted her into his arms, carrying her to the bedroom.

"Thank you for that," she murmured, wrapping her arms around his neck and burying her face in his shoulder. "It felt good. In... more ways than one," she confessed.

"I'm glad, Mel." Cole smiled faintly and nodded. She may not have been ready for sex yet, but she was obviously as starved for his touch as he had hoped, tender and, as always, _loving_. That being the case, she would definitely enjoy what he had planned next.

Mel looked around the bedroom in surprise, taking in the candles, incense, and silk sheets uncertainly. It was reminiscent of their first time together, when she had similarly decked the bedroom.

"Cole?" she whispered, tensing in spite of herself.

As much as she wanted him, as much as her body was demanding more of his attention, the thought of things actually going any farther scared her, especially given how their previous attempt had ended. Another anxiety attack was the last thing she needed right now. She struggled to suppress that anxiety, to reclaim the calm and contentedness he had suffused her in the tub. This was _Cole_, after all, a man who had always been infinitely patient, had never pushed, never taken advantage.

"It's okay, Mel," he assured her, gently depositing her on the bed and picking up a bottle of lavender oil. He uncapped it and held it before her nose for approval. "_Nothing_ you do not wish," he promised, his voice quiet and tender, but vehement all the same.

"Mmm, that smells good," she murmured, soothed by his promise. "What are you going to do with it?"

"I wish to massage you," he explained, waiting for her approval of the suggestion.

"Mmm, Cole, baby, I don't think I could get any more relaxed," she sighed, her body belatedly following her mind's lead and relaxing.

"Let us find out," he suggested, smiling slyly.

Most of Mel's body was, indeed, _very_ relaxed. The rest of it was actually rather excited. He could feel that, too, and he reveled in it, even knowing that nothing would come of it, not yet. Let her remember the other times he had touched her so, the things that had led to. Let her long for him as he did for her and, in time, his touch would no longer be so fearsome to her.

"Nothing you do not wish," he repeated, heating the bottle of oil with a burst of energy and pushing her hair aside, pouring a drizzle between her shoulder blades. "Tell me when to stop," he murmured, resting his hands against her back, smiling faintly as she sighed in answer to his touch. "I wish nothing but for this to be the most pleasant evening of your life."

"It already has been," she purred as he started rubbing the oil into her shoulders. "Mmm, God, _Cole_..."

He murmured soothingly, releasing a burst of energy that was at once soothing and sensual into her body as he massaged the oil in. He had badly missed the opportunity to touch his Mel, and he planned on taking full advantage of it while he could. For her part, Mel seemed to be enjoying herself even more than he was. She gave repeated soft, gentle sighs as he continued to rub the oil into her back, slowly smoothing it into her skin. Smiling faintly, he slid his hands lower, smoothing the oil onto her adorable 'bum'. Smiling and shaking his head, he moved his hands to her inner thighs.

"Jeez, Cole," she breathed, spreading her legs slightly. She had almost forgotten that it was possible to feel that way, that glorious combination of heat and chills, that tightness and tension, that pleasure so intense it was almost painful... "_Ooh!_"

The Cirronian smiled and complied with the unspoken request, lavishing extra attention on the sensitive tissue. It was not the first time he had paid such attention to that particular part of her body, but it had definitely been far too long since they had shared such touches. Pouring more oil into his hands, he continued the massage.

Mel buried her face in the pillow, panting softly. There was little else _to_ do, really. Strong palms and fingertips, firmly stroking and caressing her thighs, were evoking feelings that she had not allowed herself to experience in ages. And hinting at future attentions even _less_ innocent.

Subtle bursts of energy might have been behind part of her physical response, but she did not care. All she could care about was what he was doing to her, what he was making her feel, that intense fire that started between her legs and quickly worked its way through her entire body. Some parts of her body reacted more intensely than others, parts of her body whose stimulation had, only recently, triggered a massive anxiety-attack, but she enjoyed his attention all the same and gloried in the arousal he was making her feel. He was careful not to let his hands stray, for which she was grateful. There would be no anxiety attacks tonight, not if he continued on like this, erotic but still tender and considerate, carefully avoiding crossing that hateful line into a deeper level of intimacy.

Cole continued massaging oil into her glorious body for hours, smiling to himself. Mel was his Goddess, the center of his universe, and he adored touching her. That _she_ enjoyedit herself, that she sighed or moaned with every pass of his hands, every twitch of his fingers, was an added bonus. It no longer mattered, not even slightly, that tonight would not be the night when they returned to their previous level of intimacy. He could touch his Mel, derive all the pleasure that the exercise always gave him, and he could be secure in the knowledge of what his touch was doing to her. There were, after all, more ways than one of fulfilling a female starved for affection. _And _for release...


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Cole smile down at his sleeping, and thoroughly sated, love. She had received his attentions with more appreciation than he would have thought possible, actually finding release in spite of the fact that his hands had shied away from touching her intimately in that area generally considered responsible for such responses in human women. Repeated stimulation of her inner thighs and breasts, augmented by substantial doses of sensually erotic energy, had moved her as deeply as a finger or two between those lovely, long legs _ever_ could have. For this, he was grateful.

Smiling, he gently stroked her back, reveling in the feel of smooth, oily flesh under his fingertips. Mel was hardly the only one to have enjoyed the evening. His own body had derived enormous pleasure and was screaming for more. _Later_, he promised himself, returning his attention to Mel. Her entire beautiful body slick with the lavender oil and a faint smile on her face, she was as beautiful as Cole had seen her in some time.

The oil was a unique treat for him. More often than not, his Mel's body was merely Mel's body, slick with _sweat_, perhaps, but seldom so inviting while unconscious as it was now. It was Mel's actions and emotions that normally made her inviting to the Cirronian. Tonight, he found her body quite inviting on its own, even absent her desire. The smell was different, the context different. Always before, he had touched Mel under invitation, because it was what _she_ wished. Tonight, that wish had been ambivalent. For that he could not blame her, no matter how much it pained him. If anyone had _ever_ had a right to be reluctant at the touch of another, it was Mel in her current circumstance.

In spite of her fears, he could not find it in himself to resent what was not, especially not in the face of what _was_. Mel loved him as dearly as ever and that alone was important, all that mattered in the greater scheme. He had, after all, spent a long time in the beginning living with only her psychological affection. He could once more wait for the physical variety from her. When the time was right, she would come to him. In the meantime, the thought of that time would have been more than enough to satisfy him, even if thoughts of this evening had not. He doubted that he would ever be able to smell lavender again without remembering the sound of Mel's cries or the sight of her, tense and glistening on this bed, deriving more pleasure than should have been possible.

Sighing softly but not unhappily, he rose and pulled on a bathrobe, leaving his sleeping love and heading for the Vault. While his body was demanding one thing, his mind required something else entirely. He needed to talk to someone, badly. And, blessedly, the someone in question was not far off.

"Cole," Kallissa greeted him as he entered her office, not even bothering to knock. "What service might I provide on this... evening?"

It was not lost on Cole that she had to check her clock to affirm that it was, indeed, night. It was obscurely comforting. As much as he adored Mel, and loved Jess who would soon be returning to them for good, the presence of a Cirronian, born and bred, lack of sleep and all, had been sorely missed.

"Mel and I have done as you counseled," he told her, sitting. He was less interested in talking to a psychologist than to a friend, and few were dearer than Kallissa. That she was a psychologist as well was an added bonus. Surely, if anyone would know how he should proceed, it was her.

"Wonderful. And the outcome?"

"She rests now."

She raised an eyebrow. "That _wasn't_ my question, friend."

Cole smiled faintly. So much time among the humans had him beating around the proverbial bush where there was really no real reason to.

"She experienced almost no anxiety."

"Wonderful." Kallissa smiled at him. "Then why are you here?"

His smile widened at her typically Cirronian lack of anything resembling tact. "I miss it, Kallissa."

"Human sexuality?"

Cole shook his head. "Having Mel crave my touch," he corrected her. As similar as it might have seemed to an outside observer it was, to the Tracker, very different indeed...

"Mmm, I see. Then, even after tonight's exercise, she still does not?"

"Her _body_ does, but her soul resists. It frustrates me."

"These bodies have other ways of dealing with sexual frustration," she pointed out.

"You think I don't _know_ that?" he demanded, annoyed. "You think I haven't _learned_ since Khaeto? You think the physical frustration could _possibly_ match the mental?"

Kallissa regarded him steadily, undeterred. "I think you know. I think you _have_ learned. And I think that there is no way that any physical sensation could possibly match the depth of your pain on her behalf. The pleasure of the one is diminished by the agony of the other. And that is _far_ more at the crux of the matter than any sensation or desire could ever be. You are in as much pain as Mel is. You blame yourself for the attempt and so for her pain. You take both on your shoulders, a private burden never shared, even with your own true love."

"Yes," he whispered, dropping into one of her chairs, tears in his eyes. "_Yes_..."

"I tell you that it is not your fault. You will not listen or hear, but I tell you all the same. Khaeto's actions are no more your fault this time than the last."

"That doesn't help..."

"I know." She sighed softly. "But you must not allow your fear to dominate, not when Mel needs you to be fearless where she can not."

"How _can_ I be fearless in the face of _her_ fear?"

"It is no easy task, I grant you. But if you can be fearless in the face of your own fear, then you _can_ be fearless in the face of hers. You _must_ be, for her own sake."

"Our last time together could not have been as pleasant for her as it should have," he admitted abruptly, bowing his head.

"What?" she asked, startled. Rising, she immediately moved to sit next to him. "Cole?"

"I... I felt I had something to prove, that I was not afraid in spite of Khaeto's actions. I..." He sighed softly. "I took almost no effort to please her. I wanted only to prove that I was still capable of making love."

She hesitated for a long moment before speaking. "It _is_ understandable. Khaeto must have been highly distressing for both of you."

He frowned, half-sullen and half-defensive. "More for Mel."

"So I can imagine," she agreed. "Yet it must have impacted you as well. I remember the old days."

"It is no longer so fearful an idea as it once was."

"No, I can imagine _not_," she agreed, taking his hands in hers. "Which makes this the more frustrating for you. You feel guilty, not merely because of what Khaeto did to Mel, but because you desire what she is not yet ready to give. And is a man who desires an unwilling female really any better than Khaeto?" she added quietly.

His head shot up, his eyes wide as he stammered, struggling to frame a response. "I would... **_never_**... Kallissa, you must believe that I would not. I swear it!"

"Of course you would not," she agreed, giving him a reassuring smile and lightly brushing the hair out of his face. "But does your mind not play this trick on you? Do you not feel guilty for wanting her more than she wants you?"

He closed his eyes and bowed his head, tears spilling down his cheeks. "Yes," he whispered. "I should not... She does not _need_ that from me!" he snapped. "At such a time, she needs a man who expects _nothing_!"

"And she has one," Kallissa murmured, smiling sadly at him. "What you desire and what you _expect_ are two different matters, Cole."

He stared at her uncomprehendingly, wondering not for the first time why the training of psychiatric technicians did not include lessons on how to speak plainly.

She shook her head at his lack of comprehension. "Your meditations and your fantasies are filled with Mel, aren't they? With her, naked and receptive, her body moving against yours? Covered in sweat, writhing and crying out, begging you for more? These are the things you see when you deal with your own physical frustrations, aren't they?"

He bit his lower lip and nodded, ashamed to admit such a thing, even to such a dear and understanding friend as Kallissa.

"Yet, for all that, is Mel even _aware_ of the behavior? Does she know that you do to yourself what she can no longer do for you? Does she know of your fantasies, your urges?"

He shook his head slowly. He had always been most conscientious about keeping notice of those things from Mel, for numerous reasons.

"You put no pressure on her, then, and are, therefore, in no way guilty of any impropriety." She shook her head, sighing. "Cole, you've always been so quick to take the blame for everything upon yourself. My advise is to lay blame where it is due. You did not attempt to rape Mel, _Khaeto _did. And of course you desire her: you _love_ her! There would be guilt to be had in you desire, certainly, if you pressured her or complained, but you do neither. She is not even _aware_. So there can be no blame in that, either." She sighed again, touching his forehead. "You near exhaustion. Go, meditate. We can talk later."

He nodded slowly, rising. "And Mel?"

"Mel will hear nothing that has passed between us in this conversation unless from your own lips."

"No, I meant..."

"Ah, of course. More of the same for many nights, I think. Or perhaps she might wish the opportunity to touch _you_."

"_Me?_" he repeated, startled.

"It may yet be early for this pursuit, but in time, she may well come to you. Not for sex right away, but to prove to you that _you_ are still loved and desired. Do nothing to push her on that count, but by no means should you deny her if she comes to you of her own accord."

"You really think she might?" he asked, smiling hopefully.

The Cirronian woman smiled in answer, nodding. "I see no reason to suspect otherwise. It brings her one step closer to becoming receptive. She is already starting to learn that there is nothing to fear from your _touch_, but there is still your _body_ to consider. She will need to become reacquainted with _that_ as well."

He closed his eyes, a shudder tearing through his entire frame at the thought of Mel touching him as he had touched her tonight, perhaps even _more_ intimately, not shying away from some of his most sensitive areas.

"Perhaps you can consider _that_ while you take your evening shower," Kallissa suggested mildly. "Perhaps the guilt will be less and the pleasure more."

Cole stared at her uncertainly for a long moment before quietly asking, faintly ashamed, "Do you think it's... _wrong_, Kallissa?"

"The pursuit of physical pleasure in this manner? On your own, without your mate? Unique to the human race, perhaps, but not wrong, no. _Especially_ not under circumstances such as these. Human bodies, as those of _any_ species, are specially designed to react strongly to sexual stimuli. These pleasures are meant to be a celebration of love and if, as you take them, you think about _your_ love, then they remain so, a reflection of your love for her, whether she is there with you or not."

Cole considered in silence for a long moment before slowly nodding and whispering, "Thank you."

She smiled reassuringly. "It is always my pleasure to help those I care about. Go now. Good night, Cole."

"Good night, Kallissa," he answered, turning and leaving her office quickly.

Until Kallissa had brought up the idea of Mel touching him as he had touched her tonight, the sense of desire he had woken in himself doing so had been easy enough to stifle. Now it was almost oppressive in its severity. _And_ its immediacy. He was glad that he met no one on his way to the teleporter, aware that he was walking with an awkward gait that almost certainly would have raised questions even if other, more visible, symptoms had not.

It was a relief to be able to shed his robe in the bathroom and climb into the invitingly hot shower, gratefully sliding to the floor and considering his friend's advice for a several minutes before acting on it.

(SCENE BREAK)

He felt worlds better when he rejoined the soundly-sleeping Mel in bed half an hour later. He still ached for her touch, but he did not _need_ it, not as he had. It would be enough to hold her close as she slept now. He doubted he would ever be able to completely forget the mental images he had conjured in that shower, but they _had_ allowed him what had to have been the most enjoyable release he had found since the attempt on Mel. The others had been clumsy, mechanical, frankly almost painful as he desperately pursued what he knew to be the only thing that would allow him to hide his desire for Mel from her. This time, though, had found him sobbing with pleasure rather than frustration or anguish.

"You're wet," a sleepy voice mumbled, intruding into his reflections on the significance of how pleasant the act had actually been.

"I took a shower," he answered, petting her hair. "Go back to sleep, Taushi."

"Cole, thank you for tonight."

"Thank _you_ for it as well," he answered honestly. "I enjoyed it very much."

"So did I."

He smiled faintly. He would never be able to tell her that he had enjoyed certain parts of his evening in much the same way as she had enjoyed her own, but it _did_ feel good to think about her hands on his body. He quickly pushed those thoughts aside before they could have a noticeable effect on him.

"You're so good to me."

"I try my best. Now rest," he advised.

"I don't want to rest."

"Then what _do_ you want?" he answered automatically, wincing even before the words were fully out. That had been almost precisely the exchange that they had shared so many times after becoming lovers, times before Khaeto...

"Just to hold on to you. Is that okay?" she asked, looking up at him through the darkness, hesitant. The significance of the exchange was not lost on her any more than it had been on Cole.

"I told you earlier, Mel. Tonight is _your_ night. Whatever you want." He kissed the top of her head, pulling her into a tender embrace. "But you do have to work tomorrow. You know how busy we are on Saturdays."

She sighed and nodded, clinging to him and closing her eyes again. "Tonight was... it felt good, Cole."

"I'm glad Mel."

"What next?"

"More of the same. For as long as we need to. Don't worry, Mel. We'll find the pace that is right for you."

"You're so good to me."

"You already said that. Now get some rest," he directed more firmly.

"Would you mind putting me to sleep. Tonight was so wonderful. I don't want any dreams ruining it."

"Then none will," he assured her tenderly, passing his hand in front of her face and releasing a burst of sedative energy.

He sighed softly, rearranging and covering her. No dreams tonight. Oblivion was a desire he could understand, as often as her dreams were still troubled by memories of Khaeto. Still, he found himself hopeful that, eventually, nights spent as this one had been would lead to dreams of an entirely different variety, dreams that Mel would _not_ wish to avoid, dreams prominently featuring him, he hoped.

(SCENE BREAK)

Mel smiled shyly at Cole as they finished cleaning the bar for the night. The whole day had been spent that way, he had noticed. Mel had rarely been able to look him in the eye for more than a few moments at a time, and when she did, the look was always accompanied by that sweetly shy smile and a faint flush of color to her cheeks. He was charmingly reminded of the way she had been after their first night together. It was like any Cirronian woman's first day as a wife, that beautiful combination of innocent and freshly educated. It was alluring, exactly as her shyness after their first night had been, alluring the way Nallia had been the day after _their _marriage. A new bride was a beautiful thing to any man, and Mel was acting like one now. Others may have noticed her manner, but none had commented, for which he was grateful, if only for _her_ sake. Mel was, after all, shy and easily embarrassed. Her recovery was difficult enough without adding more embarrassment into the mix.

"What are you thinking about?" she asked quietly, smiling shyly up at him for a moment before ducking her head.

"I think of my love," he answered honestly, gently grasping her chin and pushing her face up. "I think of her beauty and I remember what it is to touch her."

"Oh." Mel blushed and tried to bow her head again. When Cole refused to release his gentle hold on her chin, she forced her eyes away instead. It was no easy task, not with the love and intensity in his gaze.

"Don't be shy, my love," he murmured, pulling her into a gentle embrace. "And do not be afraid, not of me."

"Never of you," she agreed, closing her eyes and leaning into his chest. "After last night, I hardly see how I _could_ be."

He smiled. "It would please me to touch you again tonight exactly as I did last night. Would that please you as well?"

Mel stared up at him with wide eyes for a moment before speaking. "Uh... I, uh... Cole, baby..." she began hesitantly.

"If it is _not _what you wish," Cole began, startled by the reluctance in her tone when his every Cirronian sense told him that this was _exactly_ what she wanted from him.

"Oh, Cole, it's not that," she assured him. "I _loved_ last night and... well, I wouldn't mind a repeat, but..." She sighed softly, not looking at him as she spoke. "Where's it leave you?"

He frowned faintly. "I do not understand, Mel."

Mel stared up at him with wide eyes. "Can you honestly _not_?" she whispered. "Don't you... I mean..." She inhaled deeply before continuing. "Cole, when I... when we... became involved, you were so... _eager_..."

"Of course I was, my love," he agreed, nodding. "How could I be anything else in the face of your pleasure and desire?"

"But... now that I... _don't_ have that desire..." She batted helplessly at the tears trailing down her cheeks. "Do... do you still... _feel_ those things?" She shook her head, staring miserably up at him.

Cole inhaled deeply at the question, regarding her thoughtfully as he considered how to answer. Yes, honesty was important to any relationship, something Mel prized, and something he was raised to. But would honesty do anything more than trouble her, possibly even alienate her? If the truth did not make her feel guilty, which had always been his greatest fear, might it not anger her, convince her that he was no different at bottom than the monster who had attacked her?

"Cole, baby, _talk_ to me!" she pled, this time making no effort to fight her tears. "I need to know what you're thinking. All I can feel from you is pain..." She shook her head, struggling to compose herself when she became aware that her tears were troubling him further. "I need to know. You're my lover and I'm yours, whatever may or may not be true this instant. And for the past few months, I've felt awful for holding out on you. I'm the reason you even know what that body's capable of, and now I won't even _touch_ you!"

"Mel," he breathed, never loosening his hold on her as he steered her towards the stairwell and up into the apartment. "I can not deny how much I crave your touch," he admitted, shrugging helplessly. "But you must never feel guilty about this." He seized on to Kallissa's words of the previous evening. Words that he himself had uttered more than once in the past. "No one is to blame but Khaeto."

"I know that, but--"

"_No_," he interrupted quickly, shaking his head and pressing two fingers to her lips. They were beautiful lips and he could not resist the temptation to gently trace their contours with his fingertips. He smiled faintly as her eyes drifted shut in response to the caress. "My love, I had needs _long_ before you showed me how together we could satisfy them. I can not deny that I miss your touch, but you _must_ understand that this is no different than it was in the beginning. I waited then and was not disappointed. I wait now and know that I will not be." He smiled warmly down at her. "Let me touch you again, Mel, please. There is still more lavender oil."

"I thought you didn't like floral smells," she murmured, staring at her feet as her body made its vote on the matter known to her.

"This one reminds me of you," he answered simply. "Very sweet and soft, but powerful. Spicy, as well."

"Spicy?" Mel repeated, bemused as to why that particular aspect of the scent should remind him of her.

"Mmm," he answered, bending and kissing her throat.

Mel moaned softly and closed her eyes as his tongue flicked out, gently tracing the lines forming the hollow of her throat. Trust Cole to turn sex into the sort of thing that encompassed _all_ the senses. Hell, why should a man who used his _sixth_ sense during sex fail to use his sense of taste as well?

"Mel?" he asked after a moment.

"Yeah?" she whispered, slowly opening her eyes.

"You didn't answer my question."

"What question?" she asked, frowning faintly. Playing twenty questions with Cole was the last thing she had in mind, not after that kiss, _especially_ not after last night.

"May I touch you again?"

"Oh, that question." She smiled up at him. "You'd like that a lot, wouldn't you, Cole?"

"Yes, Mel," he breathed.

She smiled both at his words and his tone of voice. He was actually _teasing_ her! She spent a moment wondering how long it had been since he had done that and then deciding that it really did not matter. The point was that he was doing it again. Things really were returning to normal, in spite of the hang-ups she still suffered from. They would not be there forever, she promised herself.

"Cole, you can touch me until morning if you want," she assured him, reaching for her top button.

"Only until morning?" he asked, gently pushing her hand away and taking over the task himself.

Mel swallowed hard, ruthlessly suppressing the surge of anxiety that insisted on asserting itself the moment Cole started to take the encounter into his own hands.

"I would touch you far longer, with your permission," the Cirronian continued, not unmindful of her anxiety. He unbuttoned the top two buttons of her blouse and then paused, his fingertips lingering over her heart as he waited for her response.

"As long as you want," Mel answered, smiling up at him. With a reassuring nod, she took his hands and tugged him towards the bed. "Just... touch me like last night."

"With pleasure," he answered honestly, grinning down at her as he resumed the interrupted task of undressing her.

The task was accomplished easily enough. After their first night together, he had quickly grown intimately familiar with the intricacies of human female clothing and undergarments. As the articles in question were now the only barrier between him and Mel, he made short work of them, dropping them carelessly on the floor rather than wasting time folding or hanging them.

When she stood before him, naked and smiling shyly, he took a long moment simply to admire her. She was quite simply perfect, from her flaming hair to her cute little toes with every inch of speckled hide in between offering some other proof of that perfection. Smooth planes, soft curves, firm muscles, all combined into what Cole considered the single most perfect physical body he had ever seen. He was biased, he knew, but that did not stop him from appreciating it, either.

"_Morah_," he whispered, retrieving the half-empty bottle of lavender and dropping to sit on the edge of the bed.

"Looks like that's the last of the oil," she remarked, still smiling that same shy smile.

Cole found it enchanting. And alluring. "Then I will get more after you are asleep. Do you want lavender, or some other scent? I've read that the smell of patchouli has a very... _interesting_ effect on human females."

"Whatever you want, Cole," she answered, her smile turning tender. "God, I love you."

"As I love you," he answered, smiling. "Please, lie down."

"Stomach or back?" she answered playfully.

Cole raised an eyebrow, both amused and pleased by that response. "On your back," he answered, wondering how far Mel's playful mood would extend and hoping that he was not pushing their luck. "Tell me if I go too fast."

She nodded and stretched out, closing her eyes. "I prefer it when you go slow, Cole, you know that..."

"That isn't what I meant, Mel," he answered, shaking his head and heating the remaining oil with a burst of energy. "If you grow uncomfortable..."

"I know," she whispered, smiling up at him. "I know and I am _grateful_." She gave him an encouraging nod. "God, I remember when things like this only happened in my dreams."

"Were they sweet dreams, Mel?" he asked, drizzling oil onto her throat.

"_Very _sweet," she assured him, moaning at the feel of hot oil on a throat already sensitized to what was to come.

"Good."

Smiling, Cole rested two fingers of each hand on her throat, slowly massaging the oil in with a circular motion. His smile widened as Mel let out another moan, this one longer and lower than the last. The throat of a receptive Cirronian female was almost as sensitive as the little bundle of nerve-endings that human women kept between their legs, and he knew it. Mel knew it, too, which made her easy acceptance of his attentions a very promising thing. Grateful, he continued on like that. Last night, he had avoided her throat in favor of more human erogenous areas, not wanting to remind her of Khaeto. Tonight, it did not seem that any such precautions would be necessary. As long as he kept his energy relatively neutral and avoided the same areas that he had avoided the night before. For another opportunity to make Mel feel what she had last night, it was well worth it.

Nodding to himself, he slid his oil-covered hands lower, letting his slick fingers skirt across her nipples. Mel's little grunt of approval was all the leave he needed to turn his caress from teasing to evocative. He had no interest in _teasing_ Mel, leaving her desirous but unfulfilled. That was, in fact, the farthest thing from his mind.

He wanted her to be every bit as satisfied as he could make her, more satisfied than he had _ever_ left her in the past. He had started to notice, especially lately, that Mel was frequently as sexually frustrated as he himself was. It was, he knew, far harder on her, though. For her, frustration and desire were also accompanied by confusion, fear, guilt, _memories_... Those memories were the worst, and he was determined to wash those away.

Mel was startled to find herself breathing heavily almost immediately. Unlike last night, Cole was _not_ beating around the bush. Satisfied that he had finally found a way to touch her without triggering a panic-attack, he seemed bent on making up for lost time. Unless she was very much mistaken, this was no longer simple foreplay for the Cirronian. There would be no penetration, not even with those marvelously skilled fingers of his, but that did not matter in the grander scheme. This was as much sex for him as if they had actually been making love, she was sure. She could feel it in his emotional response every time she reacted. In his mind, she supposed that making love to her was exactly what he was doing, giving and receiving pleasure through physical contact. Cole had found a way to push her buttons without pushing her button and he was exploiting it, giving her what he had not been able to since Khaeto's attack.

"God, Cole," she murmured, closing her eyes and struggling to breathe. "How?"

"How what?" he asked, turning his attention from her breasts to her throat again. Inhaling deeply, he nuzzled the sensitive tissue for a moment before starting to tenderly nibble at it.

Mel let out a gasp at that, automatically sliding her arms around him and pulling his body flush with hers. Startled by that reaction, she started to push him off before realizing that the weight of his body was causing no anxiety, was actually obscurely comforting. Refusing to analyze that reaction for fear that it might be replaced by a far less pleasant one, she arched against him instead, reveling in that hard heat.

Quite a bit of hard heat, she realized, her eyes widening slightly.

"Cole?" she breathed.

"Yes, Mel?" he murmured, nuzzling her throat until he could kiss it again.

"This is turning you on, isn't it?"

"Yes, Mel," he agreed, lifting his head and smiling reassuringly at her. "It's okay, Mel," he promised.

"What about you?" she asked, staring at him. Desire was starting to recede, replaced by shame. Not only was she holding out on him, now she was holding out on him _and_ stringing him along.

"I enjoy this very much," he answered, brushing her hair out of her face. "Don't worry, Mel. Just _feel_..."

"I **_am_** feeling!" she snapped, sitting up and shoving him off. "And among other things, I'm feeling _this_," she said, reaching between his legs and grasping his erection through his trousers. Under any other circumstances, the look on his face would have been comical. As it was, it just made Mel feel worse. Sobbing, she buried her face in her hands.

"Mel," Cole sighed, gathering her into her arms and holding her close, rocking and crooning soothingly. "Please do not be upset, Mel."

"You poor man," she cried, shaking her head. "What am I _doing_ to you?"

He hushed her gently, releasing soothing energy into the back of her neck as he continued to rock her. Her tears might as well have been a bucket of ice-water for all the effect they had on his arousal. He was grateful for that reaction because he suspected that Mel would only have grown _more_ hysterical if the arousal had remained. Holding her tightly, he buried his face in her hair and rocked her until her sobs became sniffles, weeping silently himself.

"Don't be upset, Mel," he urged when she had calmed herself, smiling apologetically at her. "It won't happen again, I promise. I'm sorry."

"_You_?" she repeated, shaking her head incredulously. "Cole, I'm the one who should be sorry. I have been..." She trailed off, shaking her head.

He frowned faintly as he realized that guilt, not fear or revulsion, was behind her behavior. Yes, fear and revulsion were still there, as they had been since Khaeto, but the guilt was worse, for her _and_ in his own mind. "Mel, my reactions are my own."

"Yeah, but they're _my_ fault!"

"No." He shook his head. "They are nobody's fault. They are simply... how a human body is designed to operate."

Mel bit her lower lip and shook her head. "But... I asked if you still wanted me and you said..."

"I said that I desired your touch. Of course I do." He shook his head. "But that does not change anything. What is most important in our relationship has _never_ been any physical thing. It is _here_." He touched one hand to her heart, then rested the other in her lap. _Carefully_. He wanted to make a point, not cross a line. "_Not_ here."

Mel stared down at the hand in her lap with wide eyes, but made no move to pull away. "This must be so hard for you..."

"It is," he agreed, lifting his hand from her lap to her throat. "But not because of _any_ amount of frustrated desire. It is what _causes_ that desire to be frustrated that pains me. I... I have blamed myself for so long..."

Her eyes widened. "But... Cole, that's ridiculous!" she protested.

"As ridiculous as you blaming yourself for the fact that my human body has human reactions to human stimuli?" he challenged, shaking his head. "No, Mel. You are no more to blame for that than I am for Khaeto's actions. We must lay aside our guilt now, stop dwelling on the past. It is our present and our _future_ that should concern us. You are my mate. I love you. I will _always_ love you. And even if we could never make love again, I would _continue_ to love you. This is all you should think about when you think of me. My love for you is absolute and it is _without_ condition."

"I wish mine could be," she whispered, shaking her head. "Cole, I know how badly you must want things to be like they were..."

"Of course I do. I hate the nightmares. I hate the anxiety attacks. I hate that I can do nothing for you to ease them. _These_ are the things I resent, not the fact that we no longer make love. If I were given the choice, I would go back to the time before we became intimate and you were free of this pain before I would resume our intimacy with you still suffering."

Mel stared at him with wide eyes, reaching up and gently petting his throat. "What did I do to deserve you?"

"It could take me some time to recite the list, Mel," he murmured. "Besides, I have told you many times in the past all of the things you have done to earn my love." Smiling, he gathered her into his lap, cuddling her close. "You're very tired now. You should rest."

"Don't you want to... finish?" she asked slowly, not sure if she should have or not. Cole _had_ been enjoying himself, obviously. And if he continued touching her, he would no doubt continue to enjoy himself. But, at the same time, nothing would come of it, not tonight, and he would be left frustrated.

Again.

Because of her...

"After you have rested," he promised, smiling reassuringly. "I would not wish to deprive you of sleep you obviously need. It was late when we started and the night has been more emotionally draining than I thought it would be. Rest," he urged, rocking her. "Rest, my love, without fear or doubt or recrimination."

Pressing his lips to her forehead, Cole began crooning gently to Mel, singing her one of his favorite Cirronian lullabies and releasing soothing energy until she drifted into a sound sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Mel shifted uneasily, trying not to look at Kallissa who was eyeing her thoughtfully. Cole had insisted that they talk after last night which she had agreed to readily enough, desperate for things to be the way they once had. But she had been _horrified_ when the first thing the Cirronian woman had done was to direct Cole to wait outside.

"Why don't you tell me about it?" Kallissa advised gently once they were alone.

"I don't know. I just... it got to a certain point and... I guess I panicked again." She shook her head, still not looking at the other woman.

"So I had gathered or you would not be here now. Can you kindly give me a sequence of events?"

Mel shook her head. "Kallissa, I know it's different on Cirron, but on Earth you just do _not_ talk about some things..."

"No, perhaps not," she agreed. "But I can not help but be struck by the fact that you seem to do worse when you attempt to overcome this without help. Melah en'i, you are _not_ alone. For your sake, you _must_ stop behaving as if you were."

"I _feel_ alone," she admitted, looking up at Kallissa with tears in her eyes. "I feel so... _guilty_," the last word was half-sob.

"I see." She nodded faintly. "Melah en'i, I know this is difficult for you to talk about, for many reasons. But I honestly believe that it will help if you can. You have tried to recover alone without much success. Now, let a friend help you. You are not alone and you should not have to behave as though you are. We are given our friends for a reason. If you can not talk to Cole, talk to a woman who loves you both as dearly as if you were the siblings of her blood," she advised.

Mel closed her eyes and nodded once. Keeping her head bowed, she quietly outlined the previous night's sequence of events to Kallissa, glossing over the more intimate and personal details, but none of the main points.

"Then it was Cole's arousal that upset you?" Kallissa asked when she had finished.

"No. I mean... yes, only..." She shook her head. "Cole would never push. I know that and I love him for it. I just... I just never really stopped to consider what this must be doing to him, having these... these _needs_ and not being able to do anything about them..."

"Mel, I am going to be blunt with you now, and I hope you will forgive me for it," Kallissa said quietly. "I know I have not been in a human body for long, but it is _not_ lost, even on this Cirronian, that these bodies are well-equipped to satisfy their own needs."

Mel's eyes widened. "Has Cole been--"

"This is something you would do better to discuss with Cole," Kallissa countered gently. "Exactly as I can not tell him what we discuss together, I would not be able to tell _you _if I had been conferring with Cole. The comment was based merely on my observation of human physiology."

"Yeah, sure it was," Mel muttered, shaking her head. "I hate myself for doing this to him," she told the other woman. "I mean, last night, feeling his body against mine like that... it felt so _good_. I felt loved, safe... protected. Then I felt... _Cole_..."

"And this is when you became troubled."

"Yeah."

"Was it fear, Mel, or guilt?"

"I..." She shook her head. "Of _course_ I'm feeling guilty about doing this to Cole. Wouldn't you?"

"That wasn't my question, Mel," Kallissa pointed out mildly. "You enjoy the feel of Cole's body? It makes you feel protected? _Cole_ makes you feel protected?"

"Always," she agreed, nodding.

"Yet the fear endures."

Mel closed her eyes and nodded once. "I don't _get_ it!" Frustrated, she slammed her palm against the desk. "What's _wrong_ with me?" she asked, tears in her eyes.

"Mel," Kallissa sighed, leaning forward and caressing her throat. "In a situation such as this, can fear be anything but natural?"

"Fear of _Cole_?" she retorted, shaking her head and leaning away from the comforting touch. "It's insane and you know it!"

"Guilt, fear, _and_ frustration," Kallissa murmured, dropping her hand. "You want so much to be better, as much for his sake as your own."

"Yes!" She shook her head. "He _deserves_ that. He deserves a lover who really _is_ one..."

"Lovers are people who love, Mel. You remain Cole's lover in spite of the current situation."

"But--"

"Would you love Cole less if he were unable to physically satisfy your needs?" she interrupted gently. "If he had come to this place and created his body imperfectly? If he were incapable of doing to you what a human male might?"

"What kind of question is _that_?" Mel demanded, shaking her head.

"One to which I already know the answer. I simply wish to hear it from your own mouth."

"If you thought I wouldn't, we would _not_ be friends," Mel pointed out. "You'd have probably dragged him kicking and screaming back to Migar."

"In all likelihood," Kallissa agreed, nodding. "But you _would_ still love him. Is that correct?"

"Of course," Mel answered, not sure what she was getting at.

"Of course," she repeated. "Therefore, is it fair to assume that Cole would continue to love you even if you could not satisfy _his_ physical needs?"

"Yeah," she whispered. "He's Cole..."

"He is. Do you understand the point I am attempting to make?"

She nodded once. "He still loves me. He always will. He told me so last night, that, even if we could never be together that way again, he'd still love me."

"How does that make you feel, Mel?" she asked, her voice gentle.

"Worse," she admitted, bowing her head. "I hate myself for not being able to give him what he needs from me..."

"Do you think that _Cole_ hates you for it?"

"No! Of course not." She shook her head, absently smoothing away a tear that was making its way down her cheek.

"Mel, I wish there was something I could say to you, anything at all, to ease this burden you carry. However, I find myself doubting that such words exist. All I can offer you is advice."

"Kallissa, I'd be grateful for _anything_," she told her honestly. "I'm starting to feel like I'm losing ground instead of gaining it and it's driving me crazy."

"You are _not_ losing ground," Kallissa assured her. "Tell me about the night before last night."

"You mean when Cole gave me a bath?"

"Mmm." She nodded.

"It felt good. It brought back some nice memories."

"Wonderful. And was there anxiety?"

"Not much. I mean, I came close once or twice, but I kept reminding myself that it was Cole and that... well, that nothing would happen."

"And this was comforting to you?"

"Yeah." She nodded weakly. "You're the shrink. What's that say about me? That I was getting off on it and still grateful that it wasn't going to go any farther?"

"It tells me that there is a part of you that very much desires to return to your previous level of intimacy with Cole and another that continues to think of Khaeto." Kallissa shrugged. "It is not unexpected that you still feel fear, not any more than it is unexpected that your body remembers and desires the touch of your lover."

"Maybe, but it's so _frustrating_..."

"Of course it is." She nodded. "I can not imagine behaving any differently in your present circumstance." She patted Mel's knee lightly. "Now, tell me about last night."

"What about it? I told you, it felt good and then I panicked."

"Was it panic or guilt? You keep saying that you feel guilty, Melah en'i."

"Of _course_ I do!" she snapped. "Wouldn't _you_?"

"Perhaps." She shrugged. "But it would be a groundless guilt. There is only one accountable party in _all_ of this."

"I _know_ that..." She shook her head. "Just like I know that Cole would never hurt me. But... that doesn't help, either. I can't help what I'm feeling."

"No, I can imagine not," she agreed. "But time heals _many_ wounds..."

"How much longer am I supposed to wait?" Mel sighed, shaking her head in frustration.

"For as long as you must. Your Will to recover is strong, but you must not push yourself, either."

"What about Cole, though?" she sighed.

"Cole loves you and will wait for as long as _he_ must."

"But..."

"Melah en'i," Kallissa interrupted, shaking her head. "You must do your best to lay aside your guilt. Many victims of these sort of crimes feel guilt, but it _is_ unfounded."

"I don't feel guilty about what Khaeto tried to do to me," she protested, shaking her head. "I feel guilty for what _I_ am doing to _Cole_."

"Then you should discuss this with him," the Cirronian woman advised. "In the meantime, I am much troubled by your continued anxiety and nightmares. I think it is time for you to seek professional assistance on a more regular basis."

"You mean like therapy?" she asked uncertainly. "Kallissa, I can't talk to some human about all of this."

"No. You would have to talk to me. Or I could arrange for you to talk with a Corps therapist from Migar a few times a week if you would be more comfortable with a stranger."

"I... No, Kallissa. This isn't the kind of thing I can talk to a complete stranger about."

"As you say. Then it would be best for you to talk to me."

"We _are_ talking."

"No, Mel. Not about you and Cole. About you and _Khaeto_."

Mel shuddered, shaking her head. "No, Kallissa. I'd really rather not."

"I can imagine not. But sometimes talking _can_ help. If I did not believe that, I would never have bothered taking my counselor's certification."

"I'd really just rather forget all about it," Mel told her, shaking her head again.

"What one wants and what one _needs_ are often at cross-purposes. You are an intelligent enough woman to recognize this."

"I... I just don't like thinking about it," she whispered.

"Which _is_ understandable," Kallissa assured her. "The real question is whether or not it is _tenable_. Thus far, your attempts to forget have been unsuccessful in the extreme. Khaeto still haunts your dreams and his acts still overshadow your days. I have been studying your planet's psychiatric literature, and no reputable therapist whose work I have yet read suggests that attempting to forget a traumatic event is a tenable treatment for its aftermath. Short of drug therapy, which is likely to be only marginally successful in a case like yours, talking _is_ your best option."

"What about that thing your people can do? Where they erase memories?"

Kallissa shook her head faintly. "A neural rewrite is a last resort, and dangerous even for one of those. At best, you would lose large portions of your memory for the times around the target incident. At worst, your personality could be so radically altered that you would no longer be you."

"But do I _have_ to talk about it?"

"You do not _have_ to do anything," Kallissa pointed out. "No one here is in any position to force you to. I can only offer advice, and mine is to talk about the matter. It _can_ help."

"Wh... what would I have to say?"

"Nothing that you did not wish to." She smiled faintly, reassuringly. "The content is less important than the meaning."

"So... it would be enough to say that... when it was happening to me...I felt... like I... like he wasn't doing those things to me?"

Kallissa raised an eyebrow at that, startled. "Who _was_ he hurting, then, Melah en'i?" she asked quietly.

"Me, but I... I dissociated. It means..."

"I know what it means," she assured Mel, nodding. "I was not aware you were trained in psychology."

"I wasn't. I just remember it from college. Multiple personality, things like that." She shrugged. "It really did feel like someone else was experiencing the pain instead of me."

"Many species believe that we each of us have two natures," Kallissa told her. "If it was _Mel_ feeling the pain and Melah en'i who was able to avoid it, perhaps it is Mel who feels an aversion to sexuality now?"

She shook her head. "It's me. They were both me. I mean, yeah, it was awful and it _was_ like there was someone else there suffering for me at the time, but I'm still just me."

"Then what of this other creature feeling the pain for you?"

"Me. She was me." Mel shrugged. "It was just like... like I didn't want to feel it, so I segmented it off."

"It is a not-uncommon adaptive strategy," Kallissa assured her. "The problem is coming _back_ from it. Now that you have learned the trick, you are more than capable of separating your mind into discrete spheres. And so there is a part of you that craves Cole's touch and a part that abhors it."

"So what do I do about it?"

"As hard as it is for you, Melah en'i, you must reclaim that part of yourself. Embrace her as fully and truly, as difficult as it may be. Because as long as she remains unhealed, so will _you_."

"You're saying I've developed a split personality?" Mel asked, frowning dubiously.

"Not at all. I am merely saying that the ambivalence that served you so well in that warehouse has become exceedingly maladaptive. It must be reconciled. But, before it can, you must come to terms with what Khaeto did to you in the first place."

Mel inhaled deeply, drawing her knees against her chest. "It would be so much easier if I didn't have to."

"Only in the short term. In the long term, this will be best for you."

Mel nodded slowly. "What do I have to do?"

"Tell me more. You have not told _anyone_ all that was done to you, not even Cole. Sharing your burden makes it easier to bear."

Nodding again, Mel closed her eyes and quietly began telling Kallissa everything that had transpired in that warehouse, from coming to and finding herself a prisoner to her escape attempt to the torture and the solicitude to the part of her psyche that had taken the pain on itself to Lana's visit and Khaeto's threats, even the fact that she had accepted her own death. The attempted rape was harder to speak of, but she was even able to detail that, _and_ to bemoan the fact that something she had always dreamed about with Cole would now likely always be fearsome to her.

"I would not worry so much about _that_," came Kallissa's encouraging reply. "Ones first time may always be frightening, it is true, but the same is perhaps also true of human mating. When you have once more come to accept Cole as your lover, there is little reason to suspect that accepting him as the other half of your soul will be substantially more difficult."

"You really think so?" Mel asked, regarding her hopefully.

"I do. Given time, I see no reason why you should not be able to join with him." She smiled reassuringly at Mel. "At least, I truly hope so. It is _such_ a beautiful experience..."

Mel bowed her head, staring at her hands and trying to ignore her conflicting feelings. "From everything Cole says, it sounds beautiful."

"What did it feel like, Mel?" Kallissa asked, regarding her with blatant curiosity. "To have it forced upon you like that?"

"Awful," Mel whispered., shaking her head. "Horrible. It was like... I don't know, maybe like how it feels to be burned alive. I... it felt like I was on fire... It hurt and I... I _knew_ I was going to die. It was... that was the first time I really accepted that Cole might not rescue me in time. I'd never felt so naked or vulnerable in my life."

"You poor child," Kallissa whispered, reaching for her throat again. "Khaeto has committed many horrible crimes, but this one is the most unforgivable of them all."

"What ever happened to the girl Khaeto raped on Cirron?" Mel asked.

"She... remains as she was." Kallissa shook her head sadly.

"Would that have happened to me?"

"It is hard to say. You are stronger than a child, but not by far. Death would not have been an inconceivable outcome. Coma at the very least would have been almost certain."

Mel sighed softly. "Sometimes I feel his hands on my throat, that energy..." She shook her head, closing her eyes. "I wake up in the night and it's _his_ arms I'm in instead of Cole's..."

Kallissa's eyes widened at this intelligence. "Does Cole know this?"

"I think he suspects. He knows I have nightmares, at least. It just feels so _real_."

"Thus the difficulty getting to sleep."

"Yeah." Mel sighed and nodded weakly. "It makes me feel... God, it's beyond dirty, the things I feel remembering what he did to me. I tried to fight, _so_ hard, but..." She shook her head again. "Cole never told me it was like that, that I wouldn't even be able to _move_. I felt so powerless."

"And understandably so." Kallissa regarded her sadly. "Especially for a human woman, it must have been horrifying."

"Isn't it scary for you, too? I mean... being so vulnerable?"

"For a Cirronian woman, vulnerability to ones mate is _not_ true vulnerability." She shrugged.

"I don't buy it." Mel shook her head. "Vulnerable is vulnerable and helpless is helpless."

"Usually," Kallissa agreed. "But experienced through the filter of trust, they become something else." She paused for a moment, considering, before speaking. "Cole tells me that, his first night back here, you slept in his arms."

"Yeah." She nodded.

"He is very large by human standards, and incredibly strong," Kallissa pointed out. "And yet you trusted him, in spite of the fact that you knew how attracted he was to you, to restrain himself. And, for the past two nights, knowing how much he enjoys making love to you, you have trusted to him in the spite of even greater temptation. _All_ relationships have an element of disparate power, Melah en'i, and marriage is no exception."

"So it's just... knowing that Cole would never hurt me?" she asked, frowning. "That'll make it okay?"

"Does it make the things he has been doing to you these past two nights 'okay'?" she asked quietly.

"It helps," Mel agreed quietly.

"And, with time, it will become easier still. Sexuality is meant to be a celebration of love. Experienced in love and in trust, vulnerability stops _being_ vulnerability and becomes something else entirely. This is no less true of Cirronian mating."

"Guess so."

"Time heals many wounds," Kallissa assured her. "You _will_ see."

"I believe you. I just... wish it didn't take so much _time_..."

"I wish for you the same. Seeing you in distress is no easy thing for those who love you. But you _will_ get better. Already, you have made more progress than you can know."

"I've made some," she admitted. "I just wish I could make more, faster."

"Might I offer an analogy drawn from real life?"

Mel nodded.

"Cole's alcoholism."

"_What?_" Mel frowned, blinking in confusion.

"Admitting that you have a problem is, in itself, a step towards recovery."

Mel stared at her with wide eyes, uncertain.

"I mean it," Kallissa murmured, shaking her head. "Melah en'i, in admitting you have this difficulty, you admit the possibility of accepting help in overcoming it. It has been less than three days, and your progress is tremendous. Yes, it is still hard for you, and understandably so. But, still..." She shook her head. "You _have_ made great progress."

"It doesn't _feel_ that great," she sighed, shaking her head. "Damn it, Kallissa, all I want is to be able to hold him and touch him and..." She shook her head again. "I just want to make him happy."

"I suspect that you _do_ make him happy, whether you know it or not." Kallissa shrugged faintly. "He derives great pleasure from being close to you, greater pleasure from touching you... What more would you give him? Would you lie still and accept his advances without fear _or_ pleasure?"

"I..." She shrugged. "Yeah. Yeah I would. Anything has to be better than this."

"Do you honestly believe that? That Cole would be happier completely fulfilling his physical needs with you when you were not responsive than he would be fulfilling _yours_ when you were?"

"I..." She shook her head. "I still feel..."

"I can imagine, Melah en'i. But you must consider the fact that Cole has more desires than his human ones. He is a Cirronian, and Cirronians are commonly known for emotional empathy to their mates. He knows what you feel, _when_ you feel it. If he were to make love to you and you were to feel no pleasure from it... even if there was no fear..." She shook her head. "There would be no real enjoyment for him. He might as well be taking matters into his own hands for all the pleasure he would feel. No, Mel. A man like Cole needs _more_ than acceptance..."

"What more is there?" she whispered, shaking her head. "How do I give it to him?"

"The same way you always have. From your heart." Kallissa smiled reassuringly at her. "He _will_ wait. Never doubt that. But know that there are more ways of taking pleasure from your mate, and of giving pleasure _to_ your mate..."

"I wish... I feel..." Mel shook her head. "I want him to be happy. I hate holding out on him. I don't want to any more."

"Then perhaps it is time for the two of you to find another way?" she suggested mildly. "Male human bodies are, I am given to understand, most responsive things."

"Yeah, they are." Mel gave a hesitant nod. "I think... I don't know. It can't hurt to try."

"As long as you can indeed take matters slowly, there is little you can try that will cause harm or set back your recovery."

Mel inhaled deeply, nodding once. "I think I need to start seeing you regularly. To talk about what Khaeto did to me, mostly. But... other things, too. Things that have... happened since. Things I've felt..."

"I see no reason why it should be otherwise. Shall we start tomorrow? Perhaps at nine in the morning. That will give you an opportunity to sleep _and_ to be in the bar with time to spare."

"That sounds good." Mel nodded and rose. "Thank you, Kallissa. For everything. Cole and I are lucky to have you."

"As I am lucky to have the two of you. Go now," she suggested, smiling warmly at Mel. "And be sure to keep me updated."

"Yeah." Mel nodded weakly, but her smile was genuine. "Thank you for everything you've done so far."

"It is always a pleasure to be of service to my friends," Kallissa assured her as she left.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Mel inhaled deeply, squaring her shoulders as Cole entered the bedroom.

"You wanted to see me, Mel?"

She nodded, not turning from the window. "Yeah. Do me a favor, will you?"

"Of course, Mel. Anything."

She turned around slowly, swallowing hard before murmuring, "Take your clothes off."

The Cirronian's eyes widened at the request. As much as he adored her and missed her touch, he wondered if she was honestly ready for it. There was still so much fear there...

"Why, Mel?"

"Because, I owe you one." She smiled reassuringly up at him, closing the distance between them and reaching for the top button of his shirt. "You've been _so_ good to me lately. The least I can do is return the favor."

He stared down at her with wide eyes as she slowly unbuttoned his shirt. "Mel, you do _not_ have to do this," he began.

"I know. But I _want_ to."

"Why, Mel?"

"Because I love you." She smiled up at him, nodding reassuringly. "Just relax. We've done this before. You like it," she reminded him.

"I know I do, Mel, but..."

"Don't worry, Cole. I know what I'm doing. I want this."

"Are you sure, Mel? It has only been a few days since you allowed me to start touching you again."

"I know how long it's been, Cole," she whispered. "It's been _too_ long."

"Mel," he started again, shaking his head.

"Cole, don't worry," she urged. "Come on. It's okay. _We_ are okay."

He hesitated for a moment, staring thoughtfully down at her. Her expression was encouraging and her life-force nothing short of seductive.

"Do you remember how it used to be?" she asked gently, giving him an encouraging nod. "When all you knew how to do was lie back and let me touch you?"

"I remember," he whispered weakly, nodding. His body was starting to react quite overtly to her overtures, even as his heart continued to hesitate.

"I know it's different this time, but I remember how much you love the things I used to do to you." She smiled hopefully at him. "Let me touch you, Cole."

"Why, Mel?"

"Because I need you as much as you need me." She shook her head faintly. "Cole, I know... I know what my fears keep us from doing, but they shouldn't keep us from being close to each other, either."

"Close?" he repeated, swallowing hard.

"You _know_ what I mean," she told him gently, shaking her head. "Cole, I want you to be honest with me. Whether you say yes or no to me right now... this _is_ what you want, isn't it?"

"I..." He swallowed again. "Mel, I can not deny that I miss your touch, but--"

"Don't Cole," she interrupted gently. "You have to understand that I _do_ want this. I miss touching you as much as you have missed touching me."

"I _have_ missed touching you," he confessed, regarding her uncertainly. Amazingly, there was no fear or distaste in her expression in response to these words. She was eager, nothing more. "And I have missed your touch," he continued. "Yet... Mel, I can ask nothing of you."

"You don't _have_ to ask," Mel assured him. "Oh, Cole..." She shook her head. "I _like_ touching you, same as you like touching me. So, maybe we can't touch each other at the same time yet. It doesn't mean we can't touch each other. Maybe... maybe it beats touching ourselves."

Cole stared at her, wide-eyed.

"I don't know about you, but that hasn't done a thing for me. I mean... every time I start to feel anything, that fear is back. When you touch me... there isn't any fear. I'm grateful for that. Maybe it means that someday we'll be able to make love again. I hope so. But, until then... I like it when you touch me, Cole, and I want to touch you."

He hesitated for a long moment. "_Only_ because you want to."

"No other reason," she assured him, smiling shyly. "I... once, I wouldn't have admitted it. Once I was so shy and... constrained that I couldn't even really _enjoy_ being touched by other men, but I... I _like_ touching you. I like hearing you respond and _feeling_ you respond. I love what I can do to you as much as I love what you can do to me."

He regarded her uncertainly before whispering, "Why, Mel?"

"Why do I love what I can do to you, or why do I want to do this now?"

He hesitated before confessing, "Both."

"I love what I can do to you for the same reason you love what you can do to me," she answered, shrugging. "And I want to do this to you now because... because I can. I want to. I want to hear you and... to _feel_ you. I've missed it." She sighed softly. "Cole, do you want to be felt and heard?"

"Always, Mel."

"Then let me touch you."

Cole nodded, allowing her to gently nudge him towards the bed, no longer resisting as she tugged at his shirt-buttons. She wanted this, perhaps even worse than he did.

Mel removed the shirt quickly, deciding that she could wait to strip him the rest of the way. Pushing him onto the bed, eager both to please him _and_ to engage in play that she had not since before Khaeto, she came down on top of him, kissing him tenderly. She could not help but smile at his low moan in response to her weight against his chest. Or perhaps it was in response to her kiss, to a level of abandonment she had not allowed herself to engage in since _before_. Either way, he was clearly enjoying it. Still he made no move to reciprocate, simply laying still and enjoying the kiss.

Comforted and encouraged, Mel continued kissing him, moving her lips to his throat, lightly sliding her hands lower, her fingertips playing across the sensitive skin of his chest, teasing nipples as sensitive as her own.

The Cirronian groaned, staring up at her with wide eyes. He truly _had_ missed the feel of his Mel's hands on his body, and this was a welcomed reminder of times past. Some of those past times were in the early days, times when she had not been touching with the intent to arouse or even garner a reaction. Some were reminders of times later, when she had touched him only to withdraw. And then there were times much later when she had touched him, fully intending to excite him and obviously eager for him to respond.

This, admittedly, was not the case now, but he could not help but enjoy her tender and passionate caresses all the same, especially not in light of the less-than-innocent nature of the kisses she was bestowing on his throat. It was more than physical, though, he was pleased to find. Her overtures called to him spiritually as well, reminding him not only of the times they had made love with each other but the times when she their touches had been more innocent, an expression of platonic affection rather than physical passion.

Their care for each other had always been the main draw between them, from the very beginning when some unknown force had compelled Mel Porter to accept Daggon, soon to be Cole Hauser, into her heart and had, at the same time, compelled him to accept hers into his. It had, admittedly, taken them time to see the truth of their love for each other, but once accepted there was no denying it, try as they might. He loved her and she loved him. And they were together. And...

Oh, and how he _loved_ her, he reflected, watching avidly as she kissed her way from his throat to his chest, her hands traveling lower still, the advance-guard for whatever manner of assault she had planned on his senses. Not that he only loved her for the things she made him felt, yet her touch _was_ euphoric.

"Taushi," he breathed as she kissed and nibbled her way from his sensitive throat to his sensitive chest, her lips and tongue tickling the flesh near his human heart.

Yes, oh, yes... There could be no denying how glorious her attentions felt, no denying it at all. Not any more than there could be any denying how much he loved her, and that was beyond words. If his attentions to her had been only a shallow reflection of that love, that must have meant that her attentions to him were the same, and _that_ thought, that she might love him as much as these attentions indicated, perhaps even more...

He moaned again as Mel slid lower, kissing and nibbling at his abdomen and stomach, closer and closer to the most sensitive areas his human body contained. Even if there _had_ been resistance, her lips, tongue, and teeth would have melted it easily. His breath hitched in his throat as she caught hold of his belt, chuckling softly at his startled exclamation.

Almost before the Cirronian knew what was happening, Mel had divested him of his slacks and was slowly, laboriously stripping off his underwear, teasing him with the amount of time she took at the task. That teasing, though, was soon to be repaid, he knew. Like the touches he had bestowed on her in the past few days, this _would_ find fruition. The urges she was exciting _would_ be satisfied, he knew, exactly as he had satisfied the urges he had awakened in Mel.

"My love," he breathed as she finished stripping off his briefs. "My love..."

"_My_ love," she answered, smiling tenderly. Her expression shy, she rested her hands on his stomach for a moment. "God, I've missed being able to touch you."

"I have missed being able to touch you, as well," he answered. "And I have missed being touched _by_ you."

"I don't want Khaeto to come between us any more," she whispered, shaking her head and leaning to kiss his chest, over his heart.

"Then he shall not." He smiled warmly down at her, taking her hands in his. "Mel, my love..."

She closed her eyes, smiling down at the Cirronian. "I used to dream of this," she admitted.

"Of me?" he asked, eyeing her hopefully. "Of... _touching_ me?"

"Mmm." She nodded faintly, inhaling deeply. "Earlier... before you came back for me, I... I would dream. I'd be asleep in my bed, and you would come and wake me up. We'd talk. You'd tell me about one of your fugitives or... about your old life and family or... ask me something about this planet and our customs, and then..."

"And then?" he prompted gently when she faltered.

"And then... you would touch me. You'd start with my throat, like you've always done, to comfort me or... just to prove to both of us that you were there and then..."

"And _then_?" he repeated, almost breathless. Just listening to her gentle voice as she shyly told him of these dreams of hers was starting to have an effect on him, every bit as much as her touch was.

"And then your hands would start to wander." She smiled weakly, shrugging. "In my dreams, your hands always started to wander. You would be caressing my throat and then _my_ hands would wander and... well, I think you know the rest. We've lived it enough times since."

He smiled faintly, shaking his head. "Yes, Mel, we _have_ lived that imagining. My hands frequently wandered and I always enjoy it."

"So do I," she whispered, allowing her own hands wander, exactly as they always ended up doing in her dreams.

Cole gasped as those soft hands found their way below his waist, lightly grasping his male signature, her fingertips teasing it to life.

Mel smiled, laughing softly. "You like that?"

He moaned, nodding. "Oh, very much, Mel..."

"Thought you might," she answered, smiling and gently squeezing.

Cole gasped, falling back against the bed. "Mel!"

"Cole," she answered, tugging lightly and smiling at the Cirronian's rather overt response. He moaned loudly, arching his back. "Thought you'd like that," she whispered, continuing her attentions to the Cirronian. Or, more accurately, to certain _parts_ of the Cirronian.

Cole groaned softly, giving up even the pretence of resistance or hesitation. What he could feel of Mel's emotional state, admittedly little against the backdrop of his own reactions, told him that she was enjoying this teasing very much. Soft, deft hands reminded him of everything he had been missing in the past months and promised an eventual return to that level of intimacy. It was not exactly as fulfilling as making love to her, but it definitely beat trying to please himself where she could not.

"Mel!" he gasped, falling backwards against the pillows, shaking his head in spite of his own pleasure. As enjoyable as it was, it did not seem entirely right to take his pleasure in this way. Mel, though, seemed disinclined to do anything _but_ touch him. Suspecting that she needed to touch him as much as he had needed to touch her, he gave in. "Ah, my love! _Yes!_ Ah..." His tense body relaxing, he went limp under her, whimpering as he found release. It had been too long since he had at any but his own hand. He was grateful to her for it. He doubted he would ever forget the feel of her hand, the emotions she was capable of evoking. "Oh, yes," he panted, shaking his head. "Oh, yes...."

Mel smiled faintly, shaking her head. "You liked that, didn't you?" she breathed.

He inhaled deeply, considering for a long moment before speaking. "I have not felt such pleasure in some time, my love."

"Go on," she urged, nodding encouragingly.

Heartened by the fact that she did not seem even slightly unsettled by his enjoyment of her touch, he spoke. "There is nothing so wonderful as the touch of a lover, Mel. My own touch could not come close."

"Couldn't it?" she asked, resting her cheek against his chest, smiling at the sound of his heartbeat.

"It has not yet," he answered simply, running his fingers through her hair. "Mel, my love... Taushi, I can only thank you for this gift."

"What gift?" She smiled and shook her head, tenderly caressing what was left of his arousal. That was not much, but she knew he would still enjoy her touch, exactly as he always did. Perhaps she might even encourage another erection, another response like that last one. "That's good, isn't it? Feels nice?"

"Always," he answered breathlessly.

He had missed Mel's open affection, and not merely the foreplay, either. Before Khaeto, she had touched him so freely, hugging and cuddling, caressing him in a way that was frequently but not always sexual. Sometimes, those caresses had been nothing more than displays of love and affection. He had never minded that, grateful for her affection in whatever form it cared to take. Things had changed after Khaeto, though. The caresses had stopped and she had stopped clinging to him in anything but fear. No matter how long it took for them to be able to make love again, he was grateful that she was once again more willing to cuddle with him, _touch_ him, out of affection and to caress him for the simple pleasure of it.

"Good." Smiling more widely, she bent, peppering his throat and chest with kisses. "You have been such a sweetheart... how can I ever repay you?"

"What is there to repay, my love?" he asked, regarding her curiously. "Touching you is nothing but a pleasure to me. If it pleases you as well, why should you thank me?"

"I can think of a _lot_ of things to repay," she answered, her hands starting yet another trek down his body.

"My love," he murmured, shaking his head and pushing her hands aside.

"You want me to stop?"

"No. I want you to keep touching me. But I want to touch you as well," he answered, eyeing her hopefully.

She smiled and shook her head. "I think we can manage _that_."

"Not in these clothes."

Startled, Mel stared down at herself for a moment before nodding and rising. She had almost forgotten that she was wearing them. Even now, she usually slept in the nude. In a more sexualized context, nudity once more became somewhat problematic. Still, they were a mess now, and hardly conducive to the sort of activities that the evening seemed to promise. Shrugging, she shucked them quickly until she was standing before Cole naked.

To her own mind, naked and vulnerable.

To his, naked and receptive. Powerful.

"I love you like this," he whispered.

"I... I love being like this," she answered, smiling shyly. Wanting, _needing_ more than his admiration or affection, she quickly requested, "Cole, my love... make love to me."

"Soon," he promised, sensing that there was still a part of her that balked at such an idea. "Soon, Mel. Just... not yet."

"But..."

He silenced her with a kiss, smiling adoringly down at her. "Soon," he repeated, nodding. "Be of good spirit. I am yours as you are mine. As yours, I can do nothing but make you happy..."

Mel smiled and tenderly kissed him in return. "Make love to me," she repeated.

"Soon," he promised, rising and pulling her to her feet.

"Cole?"

"Don't worry," he murmured, smiling and shaking his head. "I have made a mess of us both. We should shower and clean this off."

"Shower?" Mel repeated, allowing herself to be pulled to her feet.

She _was_ a sticky mess, she realized with a faint smile, her face and hands worse than her clothes. When was the last time Cole had done this to her? Ah, of course. Their first night together. She definitely needed a shower or, at least, to wash her hands and change into clean clothes. And, of course, her showers _were_ always more enjoyable when interrupted by Cole.

"My love," he repeated, taking her hand and leading her to the bathroom.

Smiling and closing her eyes, Mel waited until she heard water running, then allowed herself to be steered under the hot jet. It felt good, she realized as the almost-scorching water bounced off of her shoulders and sheeted down her chest, stomach, and back, tenderly caressing her. It felt good even before she factored in the fact that it felt like a caress, evocative of _Cole's_ tender touches.

"So warm," Cole murmured, climbing into the shower behind her.

Smiling, he wrapped his arms around her from behind, holding her close as the water poured over her, over both of them, washing away both stress and the proof of his earlier pleasure. He loved holding Mel close in the shower, experiencing the warmth of the water and the warmth of his lover at once. He loved the feel of her back against his chest, loved the way her body felt in his arms and the way her stomach felt under his hands, soft and smooth. He could have been happy holding her like this forever. If only the shadow of pain could be lifted from her heart...

"Remember the first time we made love in the shower?" she asked, relaxing against his chest and keeping her eyes closed. She was too comfortable to do much other than relax in his arms. "_Tried_ to, at least?"

He smiled wryly. Broken bones were a hard thing to forget and, in his enthusiasm, he had managed to give himself _several_, slipping on the wet floor when he reacted a little too eagerly to Mel's overtures. Nowadays, he much preferred making love during baths rather than showers, even if he had never been in the habit of rebuffing Mel's advances _anywhere_.

"I don't think I'll ever forget the look on your face," she added, laughing and shaking her head.

"Is that the only thing about that experience that you will never forget?" he murmured, nuzzling her throat.

He had been _very_ irritated by the painful turn the encounter had taken, grumbling angrily as he forced the bones in his arm back into place while she looked on, horrified. That accomplished, he had healed the injuries and eagerly encouraged her to resume her interrupted seduction of him. Mel had been more than a little shocked and had required a great deal of encouragement to regain her earlier mood. She had, though, eventually, and they had shared a _very_ memorable experience on the bathroom floor. And in the hallway. Living room. Kitchen. War room. Bedroom...

Cole felt himself coloring as he remembered that day. It had been a good one: a morning and afternoon spent in lovemaking and an evening spent curled up together on the couch talking. He nuzzled her throat again, kissing it.

Mel smiled, coloring herself. She could feel the amount of heat pouring off of Cole increase as he remembered that day. She was sure that her own body temperature had probably spiked as well. It occurred to her with a surge of elation that she was actually able to remember that day without anything resembling discomfort. Cole had been his typical, solicitous self, tempering passion with tenderness and consideration. It had, admittedly, been one of the more _intense_ sexual encounters she had ever experienced, but at the time it had seemed perfectly natural that it be so.

In retrospect, she had been shocked that she was capable of such a level of abandon, but at the time it had seemed right, exactly as it had every time since. There could be nothing more natural than completely giving herself over to Cole, exactly as he always surrendered himself completely to her. Which, she reflected, was comforting. After all, how could she possibly be vulnerable to a man who so willingly and completely surrendered himself to her?

She relaxed into his arms until the water started to cool, then turned in his grasp, smiling up at him. "Cole, baby, can we talk?"

"Always, Mel." He smiled warmly down at her, turning off the water with one hand and resting the other against the small of her back. "Here, let me get you a towel."

Mel shivered slightly as Cole pulled back the shower-curtain, smiling when he reappeared in the steam-filled shower, a towel wrapped around his waist and one in his hand.

"Here, Mel," he said, wrapping her in it. "We should go to your room. It is warmer. I will dry you off there."

"I _am_ capable of drying myself off," she pointed out as he lifted her into his arms and carried her quickly to the warmth of the bedroom.

"I know, Mel," he answered, gently depositing her on the bed and retrieving a warm pair of pajamas. "But I enjoy being close to you and touching you. Do you mind, Mel?"

"No, of course not." She smiled reassuringly, shaking her head. "I like being close to you and being touched by you.

He smiled widely, relieving her of her towel and gently pushing her back onto the bed, lightly running the towel over her.

Mel trembled, enjoying the gentle, tender touches both for the pleasure they brought and for the proof of Cole's affection they offered.

"You wanted to talk?" he asked as he finished drying her front. He bent and kissed her stomach before rolling her over and smoothing the soft towel over her back.

"Yeah, I wanted to talk." She nodded faintly, resting her chin on her hands as she considered her words. "I... well, mainly, I wanted to make sure you understood exactly how grateful I am to you for everything you've done for me since I was attacked. It means the world to me and I want you to know that."

"I do know that, my love," he answered, gently kissing the back of her neck. "Here, sit up," he directed, picking up her pajamas. "I have told you before that there is little to be grateful _for_."

Mel sat up, smiling adoringly at him. "I know you have, and I'm grateful for _that_, too." She shook her head as he helped her into the pajama tops. "But that... isn't exactly what I wanted to talk to you about."

"What then, Mel?" he asked curiously, pulling her into his lap so he could get the pajama pants on her.

"Kallissa told me something today..."

"I am sure she told you many things," he agreed quietly, smiling. "It _has _helped. I can feel that in you. And I am grateful to her for it."

"So am I. But... well, she made a good point. I haven't really _talked_ to anyone about everything that happened while I was in that warehouse. I... I think part of me was trying to protect _you_ by not talking about it. I know how hard it was for you, I know that you had _guilt_..."

Cole stared down at her, wide-eyed. "Mel, you have remained silent for _my_ sake?" he whispered, stunned. He had automatically assumed that she simply did not want to think about it, let alone discuss it. The thought that she had remained silent to protect his feelings was an almost heartbreaking proof of her love.

"Yeah, mostly. And I'm starting to wonder if that isn't making things harder on _both_ of us." She shrugged. "Cole, if you don't want to know what happened in there, I understand. I would probably feel the same way. I don't think I'd want to know how bad it got."

"Mel, I _know_ that it was bad," he whispered.

He cradled her against his chest for a few more moments before rising to retrieve his pajamas. He did not want to carry on a conversation of this import while wearing a cold, damp towel that would make it hard to focus. Pulling on the bottoms but leaving his chest bare, he returned to the bed. Settling with his back against the headboard, he pulled Mel back into his lap, wrapping both of them in a quilt.

"Mel," he began slowly. "Please do not think that you need to protect me from the truth. I investigated Khaeto's case both times. I know what he is capable of. If you wish to speak of it, I wish to hear what you would say. Perhaps talking will make it easier for us both to accept these things. It will be difficult, but it is as you told me after we discovered the second escape. _Together_, there is nothing we can not overcome."

"It'll be _more_ than difficult," she sighed, resting her cheek on his shoulder and smiling sadly up at him. "But... Kallissa says that talking will help. And I... well, I can't help but think that maybe _you_ are the one I should be talking to, not her."

"It will make many things clear to me, I think," he answered, resting his cheek against hers. "We should not have secrets from each other."

"No, we really shouldn't," she agreed, inhaling deeply. She paused for some time before muttering, "Damn, this is harder than I thought it would be."

"I will go first, then," he suggested, shaking his head when she gave him a surprised look. "I will tell you something that happened during that time which I have never spoken of to you before."

"Okay. If... you don't _have_ to," she said, startled by his strained tone.

"I came so close to drinking. I... I took the bottle and I had a glass and... I spent hours just staring at it. I wanted to so badly and there was a part of me more than ready to give in to that."

"God," she whispered, shaking her head. "You poor baby."

"I did not want to face the idea that I might not be able to save you. I would rather have died than think about it. I promised myself that I would not drink until I had saved you. But, if I could _not_ save you, I would take that bottle and your bottle of Xanax, and I would take your body into my arms and drink. And then I would start taking the pills. And then..." He trailed off, shaking his head.

"Cole," Mel whispered, reaching up and smoothing away his tears. "Baby, why didn't you ever tell me that?"

"How was I to?" he answered, shaking his head again. "You were in so much pain already."

"We were _both_ in pain," she pointed out. "And making it worse for ourselves by not going to the person we love. We can't have secrets from each other, Cole. We just can't. It's bad for our relationship and it's a bad idea with your drinking problem, and it's a bad idea with me and _my_ issues. And I... I know I have a lot of them. And, if I had my way, I'd spare you having to know _anything_ that went on in that warehouse."

"But you can not," he said, kissing her gently. "And you _should_ not."

She nodded and inhaled deeply. "When he... when he tried to rape me... I fought as well as I could but I couldn't move and... and I knew that I was about to die. I couldn't move, I could barely speak, but I want you to know that my last words would have been to tell you that I loved you and that I would miss you."

"You _said_ that?" he asked, staring down at her with wide eyes. "After he had already made your body ready?"

"Yeah." She shrugged. "I wasn't even scared, really, just sad that I wouldn't be able to wake up in your arms any more."

"Mel, speaking after your body has been made ready is _very_ difficult."

"I noticed. But... I don't know. I just felt like I _had_ to say it."

"Most women would not have been able to manage any words at all. You must have fought _so_ hard." He stared down at her with quiet wonder. Just to say that she loved him, she had turned what might even have been a pleasant experience into an agonizing one.

"Of course I did. I... I'd have fought just as hard against any man trying to rape me. It... Maybe it's weird, but... it had less to do with me than it did with you."

He frowned uncertainly. "You mean because of Ashi and Nallia?"

"In part, yeah. I didn't want you to have to go through that again. But it was also... I don't know. I'm _yours_, Cole, your mate, your wife, the other half of your soul. My body is for you. I... I begged him to kill me any other way. I would have preferred the blowtorch. I just... just like your body is only mine, mine is only yours. Does that make sense?"

He nodded faintly. He wanted to be ill, hearing these things, thinking about what Khaeto had done to her, what he _would_ have done, but he could not have stopped her, even if he had wanted to.

"It is a very Cirronian sentiment, Mel." He kissed the top of her head. "Did you even understand that this was why you felt that way?"

"No, not really." She shook her head. "You always... you talk about how we became one being that first night together, but I didn't really understand it until after you had rescued me, looking back at everything. We really _are_ more than lovers, aren't we?"

"Yes, Mel. The ties between us run far deeper than affection or even love. No Cirronian joins with another without... changing. You have a piece of me inside you now. That piece will always try to reject any intrusion."

"What about your... piece of Nallia?"

"To Nallia, your presence in me... you are no intruder, Mel. She loves you as much as I do." He kissed the top of her head again. "Maybe you should rest now. It is late."

"I... I think there are still some things we need to discuss."

"There is time, Mel," he promised. "I will be here when you wake up. The important thing is that we have started."

"We started a couple things tonight," she pointed out, grinning shyly.

"Yes," he agreed, sliding down on the bed until he lay on his back, Mel still cradled against his chest. "We have started many new things tonight. It is _very _promising."

"Yeah. Yeah, it is," she agreed, kissing his chest over his heart before resting her cheek there, closing her eyes and allowing herself to be lulled by his warmth and his smell and the sound of his strong heartbeat.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Mel came awake to the sound of Cole singing softly. Sighing happily, she snuggled into his chest, not opening her eyes. "What time is it?"

"Just past midnight, my love."

"That all? I feel like I slept longer than that."

"As you grow more Cirronian, you require less rest," he reminded her. "Meditation alone becomes sufficient."

"Ah." She nodded, turning her head and kissing his chest again. "How you feeling?"

"Well," he answered, lightly running his fingers through her hair. "How are you?"

"Happy to wake up in your arms. It's been too long since we've cuddled just because we could."

"It _has_ been." He nodded, absently playing his fingertips against the back of her neck. "Did you wish to talk more now or wait until later?"

"Now, before I lose my nerve," she answered, sighing softly. She was grateful to be in his arms, wrapped in his warmth. It was soothing, exactly when she needed it. "I... the night-terrors..."

"Yes, Mel? What about them?"

"I... do you know why I scream like that?"

"You are remembering Khaeto."

"Not exactly. It's more than that. It's not usually memories. It's waking up and... finding him in bed next to me."

The Cirronian sighed softly, tightening his gentle hold on her. No wonder she tried to fight him off. No wonder his voice soothed her so much once he made himself heard over her cries.

"Brings it all back," she continued. "On some level, knowing that he's still alive..."

"You worry he might escape containment and come back for you?"

She nodded faintly. "Silly, I know."

"It _is_ an understandable fear, Mel. But you must understand that, even if he were to escape containment, he would be in the Vault, trapped by a stasis field, behind a locked door. Even if he could escape stasis, he almost certainly could not escape the Vault."

She smiled weakly, kissing his chest. "Thank you."

"I am always happy to ease your fears, my love." Absently, he released a few sparks through the fingertips playing against the back of her neck, smiling when she moaned. "Were there other things you wished to discuss, Mel?"

"Lots of them, actually." She shrugged. "It's not so much that I _want_ to tell you, but I kind of feel like I _have_ to."

He nodded. "Openness is important."

"I... I wonder if we'll be able to Join. I know how much you must want that..."

"Do not think of that, Mel. You are not strong enough to join, so it does not matter. Please do not allow yourself to feel any regret or hesitation. You must understand that I would be happy spending the rest of my life with you even if we could never make love again_ or_ join."

"I know you would. I think that's why I feel so guilty about not being able to make love."

"Mel, that does not follow," he said, shaking his head. "I am happy whenever I am near you, whenever I am in your arms. I did not come back for you because of any physical ties. I would have been as happy spending my life with you if we could _not_ have made love."

She sighed and shook her head. "I know that, Cole. And I'm grateful, but..."

"Hush," he directed, gently catching her chin in his hand and making her look at him. She really _was_ guilty over her inability to make love to him, which would never do. "Since I came to this planet, you have shown me how to feel so much, so strongly." He took one hand in his, resting it over his heart. "This is where I feel the most. This is where I experience the most pleasure in your company."

"You aren't like any man I've ever known," she whispered, shaking her head.

"You are not like any woman _I_ have ever known." He shrugged. "No guilt, Mel. I'll make a deal with you."

"A deal?" she repeated, eyeing him curiously.

"Yes, Mel. I will stop feeling guilty for not keeping you from Khaeto if _you_ will stop feeling guilty for what we can not have right now because of him."

She swallowed hard, nodding once. "I love you."

"As I love you." He smiled tenderly at her for a moment before returning one hand to the back of her neck. "You still wish to talk about something," he noted, giving an encouraging nod.

"I... I was going to tell you what Khaeto did to me."

He nodded again. "You should, Mel. You have never spoken to me of what happened to you. I only know what I was able to tell in healing your wounds. You should not have to bear this alone and if you are ready to talk about it, I am ready to listen."

Mel nodded, inhaling deeply. Closing her eyes, she quietly started speaking, relaying it all. It was dawn by the time she reached the point of Cole's timely rescue and many tears had been shed by both, but Cole continued to encourage her and Mel continued to deliver the painful narrative.

"You, uh... you know the rest," she whispered, shrugging. "I... it..."

Cole silenced her with a tender kiss. It was worse than he had imagined, but he refused to let his own pain interfere with his efforts to comfort Mel, especially not in light of the fact that he could sense that a large part of her burden had been healed simply in the telling.

"My love," he murmured, nuzzling her cheek. "You should rest now," he suggested. "We will speak again later."

"I, uh... I have another appointment with Kallissa in a few hours."

"I will make your excuses and reschedule the session. I am sure she will understand when I explain why you must sleep late."

"Thank you, Cole. For everything." She smiled adoring up at him, kissing and snuggling into his chest. "Will you stay with me until I fall asleep."

"Of course, Mel," he promised, nuzzling her cheek again and lightly kissing the top of her head. "Now close your eyes and rest."

"Will you sing me a lullaby?" she asked, feeling silly for wanting one but knowing that Cole would happily oblige.

"Any time you desire one," he promised before shifting into Cirronian and beginning to sing to his love.

(SCENE BREAK)

Having returned very late from his Track, Cole slipped into the bedroom, pleased to see that Mel's rest was undisturbed. Obviously, it had been all night, judging by the fact that the sheets and blankets were not tangled around her sleeping form as they often were after she had spent time struggling against Khaeto's dreaming avatar.

Smiling and nodded, he quickly and silently changed into his silk pajamas before crouching in front of her bed, smiling as he drank in her beautiful face, rendered the more beautiful by the complete lack of anxiety that marked her sleeping. More than a month after Mel had first gone to Kallissa for advice on how to overcome her difficulties in the bedroom, there could be no doubt that she _was_ healing. Three appointments a week with Kallissa and nightly discussions with Cole, sometimes in person and sometimes over the phone, really _had_ helped her start to come to terms with those awful attacks.

While it was true that they still had not made love, they were sharing many other physical expressions of their love for each other. He would touch her or she would touch him and, sometimes, they would even touch each other at the same time. 'Petting', Mel called it to help the Cirronian differentiate it from foreplay in his mind. She had explained that many unmarried human couples engaged in this petting when they were very attracted to each other but not sexually active. It was, he gathered, the sort of thing that Vic and Maria had done in the early stage of their romance, before becoming lovers. Cole enjoyed petting his Mel very much indeed, especially when he was being pet by her at the same time. He could very easily see where such behaviors could lead quite naturally to lovemaking. That made the fact that Mel could engage in it without anxiety a very promising sign indeed.

_Very_ promising. Smiling to himself, he reached out and gave her shoulder a gentle shake, withdrawing his hand quickly. Mel may not have suffered from quite as frequent nightmares, but it was still unwise to wake her unexpectedly with physical contact. She always insisted that he wake her where he returned from Tracks or he likely would simply have climbed into bed with her. Of course, _that_ could have caused problems, too, had she woken in the night to find someone else in her bed without knowing who it was.

"Mel, Taushi," he said. "Wake up."

She did so slowly, smiling languidly as her eyes opened to find themselves staring into his. "Hey, how'd it go?"

"I took my fugitive quickly and easily," he answered with a smile, nodding. "But not before she gave information that might aid us in finding Bellor."

Her smiled widened although her expression remained drowsy. "And he can give you Kaden."

"Yes, Mel." He nodded, caressing her throat. "And Kaden can give us the majority of Zin's chemical and pharmaceutical divisions."

"Oh, that's great," she whispered, reaching up to stroke his throat. "Coming to bed now, or did you need to make your report to Kallissa?"

"I already have," he assured her, smiling and nodding. "I did not wish to have other obligations tonight, so I made my report first and then came to you."

He smiled and caught one of her hands gently in his, kissing it tenderly before rising and moving to the other side of the bed, sliding under the covers and sidling closer to her. His smile widened as Mel immediately slid across the bed to join him, wrapping her arms around him and snuggling into his chest. As he closed his arms around her as well, he realized that she was nude under the blankets.

"I missed you," he murmured, kissing her forehead.

"I've missed you, too." She paused for a moment before admitting, "And not just with my heart, either, Cole."

"Mel?" he whispered, staring down at her in surprise. She could not possibly mean what he thought she did. _Could_ she?

"I know you've only been gone three days, but... I miss our nights together. And... I've been dreaming."

"You have?" he asked, pleased. "Dreams like you told me of before, when I would touch your throat? When matters progressed from there?"

She shook her head faintly. "Dreams of... the things we do in here at night, of what they might lead to." She gave him a sheepish smile. "Yesterday morning, I woke up and...well, let's just say that I could have used some of that attention you're always giving me these days. I felt so..." She shrugged, smiling shyly at him, her eyes not quite meeting his. "If you had walked into the barroom at any point that day, I honestly think I might have jumped you in full view of the customers."

"Really?" he asked, amused _and_ pleased. Curious, he rested one hand against her throat. "If you had been awake when I entered the bedroom, would you have... _jumped_ me then?"

His eyes drifted shut as he felt her response to the question. Nothing resembling fear there. A little trepidation, yes, but no real fear.

"I feel like I could jump you right now," she answered honestly, blushing at the admission. "I mean..." She shook her head. "Kallissa says I've made a lot of progress in the past month."

"You have. I can feel it."

"So can I. Cole, am I... are you... I mean, are _we_..."

"I think we might be," he confessed, bending and kissing the hollow of her throat. "I would like to at least try," he added, rising and quickly shucking the pajamas. As wonderful as the silk felt against his skin, he knew that the feel of _Mel's_ against his would be even more glorious.

Mel smiled as she regarded the nude Cirronian. As exciting as it was to see him standing naked before her, that was _not_ her only response. Blessedly, fear figured nowhere into that medley of emotions. While she had never exactly been a connoisseur of the arts, she could not help thinking of Michelangelo's David. Except for the fact that Cole was even more beautifully sculpted that any statue ever made. Arousing though it may have been, she also felt admiration for this perfect creature before her. And, of course, **_love_** for him. She inhaled deeply as something else occurred to her: Cole was standing before her, naked and aroused, and she felt no fear, not even knowing what was about to happen. And it _was_ about to happen, she was sure.

"Make love to me," she begged the vision before her.

He touched her throat again before smiling and nodding. "Yes, Mel," he answered, euphorically aware that she really _was_ ready this time, not just in her soul and body, but in her heart and brain.

His smile widened as he slid under the covers, pulling her body flush with his. Yes, touching her and being touched by her had been wonderful, but there was no doubt in his mind that _this_ would be infinitely better, for both of them. He planned on making it an encounter that Mel would never forget, the kind of memory that could warm her on the coldest nights even when he was not there to do so himself.

Savoring the idea, he slid his hands from her shoulders to the small of her back, taking his time with the action and allowing his fingertips to caress their ticklish way down her spine. Smiling at Mel's little purr of appreciation, he splayed both hands and released a burst of energy, the most intense energy he had shared with her since before Khaeto. The fact was not lost on Mel, either.

"_Oh, **God**!_" she gasped, staring up at him with wide eyes, her body tensing.

Who needed sex when Cole could make every nerve-ending in her body fire at once like that? She felt for all the world like a woman who had just experienced a particularly intense orgasm, incredibly relaxed but still tingling all over. And, for all the pleasure of it, not even slightly sated.

"More?" Cole offered with a faint smile, pleased by her very obvious reaction, more pleased by the fact that she was clinging to him even more closely than before. He shifted slightly, enjoying the feel of her soft body against his chest. Among _other_ places enjoying the feel of her...

"_Much_ more," she answered breathlessly. "Just don't you dare stop with the energy," she added, amazed by her own forwardness.

With every man before Cole, she had been a shy and constrained lover, uncomfortable even _discussing_ sex, let alone making any sort of request or suggestion. But Cole approached sex with such innocent enthusiasm that it was hard for Mel to be any other way herself. The result was that she enjoyed herself more in his arms than he ever had with any other man. She would have felt guilty about enjoying herself so much if it had not been obvious that Cole enjoyed sex every bit as much himself.

She gave a low groan as Cole released more energy into her body, closing her eyes and wishing she knew how to do the same to him. She would have to ask him to teach her. Later. Much, much later...

"Right there," she breathed, nodding.

"I can think of better places," Cole answered with a smile, rolling her onto her back and propping himself up on one arm. "Maybe here," he suggested, resting his hand between her breasts.

"You'll stop my heart if you do that," she murmured languidly, shaking her head. "Admittedly, I can think of worse ways to die..."

He smirked and slid his hand lower until it rested just under her belly-button. "_Here_, Mel?"

"Getting warmer," she answered, feeling surprisingly playful under the circumstances.

"Patience, my love," he whispered, bending and kissing her tenderly, his fingertips caressing her stomach as he did.

"Lower, Cole," she whispered when he had turned his mouth from her mouth to her throat.

"It has been _so_ long," he whispered, regarding her thoughtfully for a long moment.

It was wonderful that she could accept his touch again, invite even more intimate ones, but that did not change the fact that she was still profoundly affected by Khaeto's attack. _That_ would take longer to resolve and he hated to think of her being in that much pain for that long. He would be there every step of the way, exactly as a man should be for the woman he loved. No more out-of-city Tracks, not until Mel was substantially better and no longer suffering nightmares. He should have curtailed those immediately, was sorry he had not thought to earlier. Well, that damage was done and what was past was past, but he had no intention of repeating the mistake.

"Cole?" Mel asked, frowning faintly at him.

The last time she had seen him this serious before lovemaking had been... Khaeto. Could he be thinking of that? Wondering if she was still afraid? No, there was something else entirely to his reflective state.

"Be calm, my love," he directed, resuming his interrupted caresses. "Tonight will be _slow_," he murmured. "I want it to be slow."

"I'm not sure _I_ want it to," she confessed, not looking at him.

"No?" Smiling to himself, he slipped his hand lower still, not releasing energy but still allowing his fingers to stray.

To great effect, judging by Mel's soft cry. That gentle cry increased in volume as his fingertips continued to lavish attention on her. That wonderful, responsive bundle of nerve-endings between her legs seemed to respond not so much to his attention as to his enthusiasm. In _that_, his touch left her gasping and crying out in wonderment. Well-pleased, he persevered, his smile widened as she continued to squirm beneath him, moaning and crying out.

"_Yes,_" he whispered, smiling and nodding as he continued stroking and caressing.

He could not help but smile at his love's reactions, nodding to himself every time she squirmed and bucked, begging him for more. He could grant her that much, and _did_, cheerfully fondling and petting her. His eyes widened as she began crying out, and his fingers slowed.

"God, _don't_," she protested, shaking her head frantically. "_More_..."

"My love," he answered, nodding a little frantically himself. Startled though he was, her reaction was amazing, and he gratefully pushed it, reveling in her pleasure.

"Make love to me, Cole," she pled, smiling adoringly up at him.

"Yes," he agreed, grinning down at his adoring, _aroused_ love.

There was nothing fearful in her appearance, nothing in her manner. Nodding himself, he shifted into position above her, fixing her with a reassuring look as he slowly eased into her. The reassurance seemed unnecessary. He smiled faintly as she arched up to meet him, drawing him into herself without hesitation.

His body into hers, he breathed a silent prayer of thanks. If she disapproved, if she was frightened or resistant, there was no indication. There was nothing but her own, enthusiastic response. She loved him. She _wanted_ him. It was a wonderful realization to the Cirronian's mind, exactly as it had been the first time. His love wanted him!

Exhaling deeply, he pushed into her again, gasping and crying out as she shifted under him, squeezing invitingly, urging him on.

Mel cried out as well, stunned by how wonderful it felt to have Cole making love to her again. There was no fear, no hesitation, only pleasure and love so profound that she could not tell where her love for him stopped and his love for her began.

"Oh, **_yes_**! My love," she breathed, nodding. "My love..."

"My love," he repeated, shifting and gasping again. It was hard _not_ to adore the feel of her body, enveloping his. It had been _so_ _long _since she had taken him into herself like that, wrapping his body in hers. "My love," he repeated again, nodding and wondering how it was that his physical pleasure could be almost as great as the emotional. He had almost forgotten that, sensation so intense as to be almost painful. "Yes, oh _yes_..."

"Cole!" Mel breathed, nodding and arching up to meet him.

Cole smiled adoringly down at her, cradling her body against his and rolling onto his back, pulling Mel until she lay atop him, nestled into his chest. They spent several minutes like that, perfectly still and simply enjoying their newfound ability to be so close to each other again, physically as well as spiritually. More than any sensation, **this** was what they had missed, the ability to be so perfectly and completely _together_, their souls touching as their bodies were, each wrapped together with the other. The embrace could have lasted seconds or hours. Neither was sure and neither really cared. _All_ that mattered was that they could be together again.

Of course, as starved as their souls had been for each other, their bodies had not been without frustration over the separation, either. _Need_ began to exert itself with increasing insistence as they continued to lay close. Cole did his best to ignore it, concentrating on his Mel, on the wonder of having her close again. Mel did not bother to ignore her own need: it had been too long since she had experienced it so honestly and completely. She pushed herself up on her arms, smiling slyly down at Cole and giving him a little squeeze as her fingertips skirted across the familiar expanse of his chest. That amazing body was almost as beautiful as the soul wrapped up inside it, and she allowed herself a moment's gratitude over the fact. Only a moment, though. Her body had more pressing concerns. She could bask in the radiance of his _soul_ later. Right now, her body insisted on focusing on _his_.

The two moved in perfect accord, as they always did while making love. Cole arched up to envelope himself in Mel and Mel pushed down to embrace him, quickly and more times than either could count. That was, in Cole's mind, the best of human sexuality: the female embracing the male, the male sinking himself into his love, embraced. Exactly as in a Cirronian Joining, two moved together and became One. Cole reacted to all the eroticism inherent in both the act and the symbolism, frantically rocking upwards against Mel, whimpering her name as she gasped his. It was wonderful, a perfect expression of their love for each other, growing in intensity and urgency as time progressed, finally reaching a critical point where it refused to be denied any longer. And, when both gave in to it, the resulting explosion of sensation and emotion was beautiful beyond words.

It was over more quickly than he wanted, but he could not complain, not with his spent love lying on his chest, tracing random patterns over his heart with one finger and smiling adoringly up at him, panting. In response to _him_. He smiled as well, absently caressing her back as he struggled to catch his breath.

"My love," he whispered when he had. "Taushi."

Mel smiled languidly, resting her cheek against his heart. "Cole, Tausha. My love."

"My savior," he answered, kissing the top of her head. "Where would I be without you?"

"I ask myself the same thing," she admitted, shrugging. "I thought I would die when you left Earth. And, when you came back... I felt like I'd never really lived before."

"I thought I would die when I woke up to realize that Khaeto had you. And now I have remembered what it is to live again. My Mel, my love... my _soul_. Thank you, for everything."

She smiled at him, feeling a little shy as she always did after making love. It was surprising to realize that she had missed this almost as much as their lovemaking. That outpouring of emotion afterwards, as if they felt so strongly for each other that not even sex could adequately express the intensity of it. More was necessary.

She had missed those whispered words of devotion. Cole was never shy about expressing his love and affection for her, but this was different. Their emotions high, their hearts and souls infinitely receptive to one another, this transcended _any_ other expression of love. Cole did not just _say_ how he felt, he allowed _her_ to feel it, too. It was humbling and uplifting at once to realize how deeply the Cirronian's emotions ran.

"What was it like, going back to Sar-Top?" she asked.

Cole did not speak. He did not have to. Smiling sadly, he reached up and wiped away the tears she shed as the echo of his memories of the place washed over her. Even that echo, of a memory now almost two years old, was enough to make her cry. He still cried over it himself sometimes. Returning to his 'home' had been like ripping out his own heart.

He had no doubt that he would have died if he had been forced to stay. He had not even bothered resuming his Cirronian form, knowing that Sar-Top's thin atmosphere would have quickly proven fatal to a human body. When Eijan had come to him to tell him that the wormhole was still open, he had been standing on a high cliff, staring at Cirron on the horizon. The Enixian woman had been afraid that he meant to jump. Part of him _had_ considered the possibility.

And then that wonderful news.

"_You know that saying of mine? That, as ranking officer on this satellite, even the Fates are frequently outranked by me."_

"_I am aware," came the pained response. He had wished that she would just go, leave him in peace._

"_Did you learn much on that Earth place?"_

"_A great deal. It should all be in my reports." Go, Eijan, please. Just go..._

"_Yes, I expect it **is** in your reports. And tell me, boy, did you... **forget** much?"_

"_I... I don't understand."_

"_Basic math, perhaps? Your wormhole calculations were so sloppy that my great-granddaughter could have done better. Your stability threshold was far too low and your energy requirement estimates far too high."_

"_I... don't understand."_

"_Your... wormhole... is... still... open. And, with the extra energy I've ordered allocated to its maintenance, it will remain so for another half day. Well? Why are you still standing there? Shouldn't you be packing?"_

He smiled at Mel as fresh tears filled her eyes. His filled his as well.

"I wish you could meet Eijan in person, Mel. She is... like no other woman I have ever known. The wormhole would have collapsed before I could have returned. She took one look at me and _knew_ that I needed to come back. She saw to it that I had a way to."

Mel smiled up at him, absently catching one of his tears on the tip of her finger and licking it off. "You once told me that you were always lucky in your choice of friends." She shook her head. "You were wrong."

"What do you mean, Mel?" he asked, frowning uncertainly.

"It's _not_ luck. You just... you're so good to everyone around you, that you inspire goodness in them, too. You make people better than they would otherwise be. You show them that it's possible." She kissed his chest before continuing. "You showed _me_..."

He smiled in answered, catching a blanket by the corner and drawing it over them before wrapping his arms around her. "You showed me as well. You showed me that there was more to live for than revenge or even duty. You... showed me that it was okay to feel again, even to be happy." He kissed the top of her head, burying his face in her hair and inhaling deeply. "Eijan always speaks about cheating fate, Mel, but... I think she misses the point."

"That would be a first," she said, smirking.

"Yes," he agreed placidly, shaking his head. "But it is true. Eijan thinks we must make our own luck. I prefer the Cirronian sentiment."

"What's that?"

"That the universe is a harsh place full of hard truths, but that the gods are not without compassion. Fate _knew_ what we needed, and so gave it to us. She guided us straight into each other's arms and, then, into each other's _hearts_. Fate is not to be cheated, She is to be trusted to. And I thank Her again every time I lay eyes on you."

"You're something else, you know that?" she whispered, grinning at him. Still smiling, she climbed to her feet, reaching for her bathrobe.

"Where are you going?" he asked, frowning slightly at the sense of loss he always felt when Mel pulled from his arms.

"Kitchen. I'm going to make a pan of hot cocoa and warm up some cookies. And then we are going to curl up together on the couch wrapped in no fewer than _three_ down quilts and we are going to watch the snow falling and the ice crystals forming on the window and we are going to remember how wonderful the warmth of a lover is."

He smiled and nodded, rising and shrugging on his own robe. "I like that idea, Mel."

She smiled back, offering her hands. "I thought you might..."

(SCENE BREAK)

Cole smiled at Mel as she settled down on his lap with two mugs of cocoa in hand. Accepting his own, he carefully arranged the quilts around them, reveling in the warmth from the furnace, the hot-pad, the blankets, Mel, and the cocoa. Cocoa made with love as the main ingredient, Mel always said.

Smiling at that thought, he sipped at his, cradling Mel against his chest and watching the snow swirling around outside. The living room was dark, the only light that reflecting off the snow from the streetlamps. It was very beautiful, very peaceful.

"I've been thinking," she said quietly after several minutes spent in silence, just enjoying each other's presence. "Do you think you could get some time off from Kallissa?"

"Probably. Why?"

"I was thinking... oh, I don't know. Maybe a second honeymoon would be nice." Smiling wryly, she shrugged and amended, "Or a _first_ one. But we could rent a cabin in the woods, or go somewhere warm if you prefer, and just... focus on each other for a couple of days. We have a lot of lost time to make up for."

"We do," he agreed, nodding. "Not somewhere warm," he decided after a moment.

"No? Why not?"

"Because a flame can not be recognized as beautiful except in the cold and the dark."

She smiled faintly at his philosophical mood. He was right, though. It was hard to fully appreciate pleasure without having lived through some pain as well. Both of their lives had more than proved that supposition. Four or five months ago, she would have taken the ability to curl up on the couch with Cole after having made love to him for granted. Now, in light of everything that had happened, it seemed a precious gift.

"We can go to a state park in Wisconsin or Indiana," she said, nodding. "It'll be cold as hell, but... hey, we've always been able to keep each other warm in the past."

"We have," he agreed, nodding and kissing the top of her head. "In _every_ important way. I love you, Mel."

"I love you, Cole." She smiled up at him, yawning. "Oh, sorry."

He smiled back, taking the cocoa from her hand and setting it on the end table. "You are still human enough to require _some_ sleep," he reminded her.

"Should we go back to bed?"

"No. If you don't mind, I'd like to stay here with you and watch the snow."

"Okay." She smiled and nodded, shifting into a more comfortable position and snuggling into him, closing her eyes. "Night, Cole."

"Good night, my love," he answered, smiling warmly down at her until she was asleep.

Still smiling, he looked up at the snow falling outside, strangely symbolic to his mind tonight. Bitterly cold, as much of his life had been, but beautiful as well. Yes, there had been pain, but there had been happiness as well, warmth from any number of sources. It was a good life, one worth having lived. One worth continuing to live for as long as he was privileged to.

Kissing the top of Mel's head, he closed his eyes to meditate. It would come easily tonight, he knew. Warm and comfortable, pleasantly tired from having made love so recently, anticipating several days spent alone with Mel and not a care in the universe, surrounded by friends, and looking forward to Jess' return, for good this time, the Cirronian smiled. Life really could be a beautiful thing at times and _this_... this was one of the good nights.

**The End**


End file.
